


cleopatra

by weigh153



Category: Bastille (Band), To Kill A King (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Established Relationship, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-16 21:39:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17553692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weigh153/pseuds/weigh153
Summary: “Do you want me to leave?” Kyle asks him, but his face and voice are now void of expression and don’t let Dan try to figure out what the other man is thinking.“I don’t want you to stay because you feel like you have to.” Dan sighs, running a nervous hand through his still wet hair. “I mean we’ve only been together for a few months, I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck with me just because I'm dying.”





	1. I had no plans

Dan smiles sadly as he watches Kyle talk animatedly about his day, his voice loud and excited, hid hands gesturing dramatically as he spoke. He wasn’t really listening to what the other was saying, his brain far too busy thinking about how he was going to break the news- if he was even going to- while the other seemed so happy and relaxed. When the doctor had told him about his illness, his first thought had been  _ Kyle _ . Dan was wondering how the other would take the news, and he would be lying if he said he was anything less than terrified for his reaction. He wasn’t sure if Kyle would be angry, sad, or if he wouldn’t even care- which was what the voice inside his head was trying to convince him.

He and Kyle had only been together for seven months, and although they had grown rather close in that time, they were still in the early stages of their relationship. They didn’t live together, Dan hadn’t even met Kyle’s parents. With the newness of their relationship, Dan was almost certain that Kyle would leave him, or worse, stay because he felt he had to.

Dan had always struggled with self esteem issues. It was a byproduct of his anxiety, and it made him always question if he was good enough and whether people actually like him or if they were just being nice. He was humble to a fault, and because of it had lost a lot of social and even work opportunities in his life.

But Kyle made Dan feel valued- made him feel worth something. Kyle was his sun, his reason to get up in the morning. Because of Kyle’s constant support and encouragement, Dan had found himself feeling more and more confident in himself. He started to go out more, made more friends, and even started to have more confidence in himself at work- which has been extremely important being an English teacher for high school students.

“Dan, did you hear me?” Kyle’s voice brought him out of his thoughts, and Dan looked up at him, trying to force his best smile.

“Sorry, what did you say?” Dan asks, trying to keep his voice steady even though his breaths were shorter and quicker than normal.

“I asked if you’re okay- you seem… far away.” The taller man walks to the couch on which Dan is sitting and sits next to him, leaving a respectful space between the two of them, not wanting to crowd him if the other was feeling anxious or panicky. The simple act of remembering that he liked his space when anxious makes Dan’s heart swell with affection.

Dan tries to think about how to answer the question, but when Kyle looks at him with those big brown eyes of his, he can’t even consider lying.

“I have cancer.” He blurts out- without even thinking- and is mortified when he realizes that he had actually said it out loud. It was not how he had meant to break the news, but then again it wasn’t as though he had established much of a plan. He is about to apologize (he isn’t sure why he wants to apologize, but it seems like the right thing to do), when he realizes that Kyle hasn’t said anything yet. Dan slowly looks up to meet the other’s eyes, and his heart feels as though it is being ripped out of his chest when he sees how shocked and  _ sad _ the other looks.

“You have… _cancer_?” Kyle whispers, as though even just saying the word was like poison on his tongue. Dan doesn’t trust his voice, so he just nods in confirmation, not able to do so much as breathe while his lungs were feeling as though they were being crushed.

“When… when did you find out?” Kyle asks, his voice shaky and quiet.

“This morning. I uh, I went to the doctor because of how bad my stomach has been hurting lately and… it’s cancer.” Dan explains, but the last word barely comes out as he tries to contain a sob. He hasn’t cried about it yet, and even though he in’t a big crier, with this sort of news he believes anybody would be.

“What are,” Kyle stops to clear his throat and wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, clearly on the verge of tears himself. “What are your options?” 

“Uhm. There’s only two options, really. I can try to fight it, or I can refuse treatment. Chemo is the most effective option, but it might not work… and it would feel like Hell. If I refuse treatment there is always a tiny chance of my body, uh, fighting it on it’s own, but if I do that the survival rate is less than one percent.” Dan explains, basically repeating word for word what the doctor had told him earlier.

“How long do you have?” Kyle finally gets do the big question.

“A few months at best. Apparently it’s, uh, it’s really aggressive.” Saying it aloud made it feel so much more real, and for the first time since he heard the news Dan realizes that this is really his life they are talking about, his life that might be cut off short in only a matter of time.

“What are you going to do?” Kyle asks him, and Dan can’t give him an answer. Honestly, he hadn’t given it much thought. He had been too busy worrying about how his friends would react to even think about the fact that he had to choose: fight a long and hard battle for a slim chance at living or give up and let his body die.

“I don’t know, Kyle.” Dan says, letting out a small sob. He curls into himself, drawing his knees up to his chin and hugging them tightly to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut in a weak attempt to stop the tears that are threatening to fall.

“Dan…” Is all Kyle says, and when the other man stands up, Dan fears that he is going to leave him, but instead he feels two warm arms wrapping awkwardly around his body and squeezing tightly. Kyle presses a kiss against his hair, and Dan let’s out another short sob.

  
  


The next thing he knows, Dan is waking up in Kyle’s bed. It’s dark, and once his eyes focus on the big red numbers of the old digital alarm clock on the nightstand he sees that it’s only about nine in the evening. He figures he must have fallen asleep on the couch and Kyle brought him to the bed, because he was still in the same clothes he had been wearing earlier and his eyes were itchy from sleeping with his contacts still in.

He gets out of the bed and walks out of the room towards the living room in search of Kyle.

He finds him curled up in the corner of the couch all wrapped up in a blanket, sipping a cup of tea and watching whatever series he is currently binging on Netflix. Dan stops in the doorway and leans against the frame, smiling affectionately at him. He loves everything about him, from the soft silky hair that was combed back neatly on the top of his head to the arms that held him at night when he couldn’t fall asleep. Kyle is his rock.

Dan eventually walks over to the couch, placing his hands on the other’s shoulders from behind. Kyle turns his head and smiles at him, and Dan connects their lips and gives him a long soft kiss. It’s just an act of love, not particularly passionate or searching for anything more, just a gentle touch to remind Kyle how much he means to him. When he pulls away, he walks around so that he can join him on the couch, choosing to sit right up next to him instead of the other end where there is far more room. Kyle places his mug on the coffee table and then rearranges the blanket so it covers both of them. Dan leans his head on his shoulder, a warm feeling coursing through him just from the touch. Kyle’s hand finds it way to his hair and starts to comb through it, relaxing his every muscle. His eyes tear up slightly when the dull pain in his stomach reminds him that their moments together- much like this one- are numbered, and that soon he will only exist as a memory inside the minds of those he loves. A single tear trickes down his cheek, and he wipes it off by rubbing his face into the soft fabric of Kyle’s sweatshirt.

“You alright, babes?” Kyle asks gently, his fingers pausing in his hair. Dan shakes his head but gives him a sad smile. The other man doesn’t push for an explanation, which Dan is extremely thankful for, and instead just wraps both of his arms around him tightly and pulls him so that his back is snug against Kyle’s chest.

They watch the show for a little while, although Dan isn’t really paying much attention. Instead, he focuses on Kyle: the occasional hitches in his otherwise steady breathing, the way his fingers mindlessly trace patterns on his leg, the warm feeling of his exhales on Dan’s neck which make the short hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Everything about him is mesmerizing, and Dan breaths him in like a drug.

He only shifts when his eyes start to sting, both from the contact lenses that have been left in for far too long and also from the tears that never seemed to go away. Kyle notices his stirring and loosens his hug slightly.

“My eyes are itchy.” Dan explains before Kyle can ask what’s wrong.

“Do you want to go shower and stuff? I can make dinner.” Kyle offers, his voice soft, a stark contrast from his usual loud and bubbly personality. That was another thing Dan loved about him. He was always the life of the party but could also dial back and be quiet and loving when appropriate.

“I don’t have clothes here, I don’t think.” Dan mumbles, regretfully shifting away from Kyle’s warmth and slowly sitting up on the couch, stretching his back with a loud crack.

“Borrow anything of mine.” Kyle says with a shrug and a dismissive wave of his hand, standing up and offering Dan a hand. Dan accepts it gratefully, still feeling weak and shaky from the stress of the day, and lets the other pull him up, leaving them only a few inches apart. Kyle starts to turn around, but before he can Dan gently grabs his waist and holds him still. He pushes a long, soft kiss on his lips, this one slightly more urgent than the previous one, and when he separates them he leans their foreheads together, resting his own against Kyle’s.

“I know that things are inevitably going to change, but can we please try to keep them normal for as long as possible?” Dan whispers, his tone low and serious. He doesn’t want to be defined by his illness, in particular since it still wasn’t affecting his quality life too much.

“Okay, alright.” Kyle agrees with a slight nod of their head, bumping their noses together. They giggle quietly, and Dan smiles the first genuine smile of the day. Kyle presses one last short kiss against Dans lips and slowly pulls away, disappearing into the kitchen.

 

After (finally) taking out his contacts and taking a quick shower to wash his hair and all the grime of the day’s events, Dan wraps one of the fluffy white bath towels around his waist and wanders to Kyle’s bedroom in search of a change of clothes. He smiles fondly when he sees that there are a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and an oversized hoodie folded on the bed waiting for him. It was such a small act, but just the concept of someone caring enough to go out of their way to do such a thing was foreign to Dan before he met Kyle.

He starts pulling on the clothes, enjoying the way the loose fabric hangs off his skinny frame and the way they still smelled like Kyle.

Once he’s ready, he finds his glasses in the spare drawer that Kyle had cleared for him for when he stayed over and puts them on, heading back towards the main part of the apartment.

When he gets to the kitchen, he stops in the doorway. Kyle hasn’t noticed him yet and is standing at the counter, his hands gripping it tightly and bracing against it. He looks a mix of terrified and heartbroken, and the sight makes Dan feel the same. His breath trembles slightly and at the same time Kyle notices him, looking up and softening his expression slightly. The taller man opens his mouth to say something, shuts it, and opens it up again but no sound comes out.

“Are you okay?” Dan asks him gently, his voice low as he breaks the silence.

“I’m scared.” Kyle admits quietly, turning his head so that Dan can’t see his face and blinking away tears. “I don’t want things to change. We were happy, we are happy.”

Dan feels as though his heart is being torn apart. In all of his worrying about Kyle leaving him and being left alone to fight this battle, he hadn’t even really considered what it would mean for them if Kyle wanted to stay.

“If you want to end this I won’t hold it against you.” Dan tells him. He decides to leave out the part about how ending their relationship would literally destroy him, and his mind overwhelmed with the anxiety stemming from anticipation of his answer. 

“What?” Kyle’s head snaps up and his expressions quickly changes from sadness to pure shock.

“If you want to break up, leave before things get too bad, I won’t be angry. I’d understand.” Dan explains, trying to mask his sadness and failing miserably.

“Why the hell would I do that?” Kyle asks, his voice barely above a whisper. He looks angry and confused.

“I dunno, so you don’t have to watch me die.” Dan shrugs. Although his exterior is displaying an act of indifference, inside is a storm of anxiety and fear.

“Do you  _ want _ me to leave?” Kyle asks him, but his face and voice are now void of expression and don’t let Dan try to figure out what the other man is thinking.

“I don’t want you to stay because you feel like you have to.” Dan sighs, running a nervous hand through his still wet hair. “I mean we’ve only been together for a few months, I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck with me.”

A tense silence hangs between them for a minute. Dan keeps his eyes down and tries focusing on keeping himself from trembling while Kyle processes what he had just said.

“I really like you Dan,” Kyle starts, speaking slowly as though he is still trying to find the right words to use. “I know we haven’t been together long, but I really,  _ really _ like you. And although it would break my heart to have to watch you die, I would never forgive myself if I wasn’t there with you while you did.”

Dan is stunned. It was definitely not the answer he was expecting. He wasn’t even sure if it was the answer he wanted. The fact that Kyle cared so much scared him more than he would like to admit.

Dan had never been loved before. It sounded over dramatic, but it was true, in a way. His parents died in a car accident before he was old enough to really remember them and he had never been adopted out, so he didn’t have any family- biological or otherwise. Growing up in foster care- jumping from district to district and changing schools regularly- he had never made any friends either.

He grew up alone.

When he finally went off to university, only made possible by the full-ride scholarship he had earned himself, he was too shy and anxious to put himself out there, and mostly kept to himself.

That is, until he met Ralph.

Ralph was his best friend throughout university. They had met in one of the music classes they shared (Dan was minoring in music while Ralph was a music major himself) and became closer when they were paired for a project. At first Dan had been resistant to the friendship, weary of people in general, but Ralph was either oblivious to the other’s discomfort or just didn’t care, as he always insisted on them meeting up or working together whenever he had an excuse.

After university, Dan and Ralph decided to take a year abroad in the United States. They found a cheap apartment to rent across the river from New York City in New Jersey and paid for it by working shitty jobs at minimum wage. 

But most importantly, it was through Ralph that Dan met Kyle.

One night after work, Ralph came home really excited because he had met another Brit. Ralph insisted that they all go out for drinks together, saying that he was certain that Dan and the man (who at that time Dan didn’t know by name) would get along really well. At first Dan had been skeptical, saying that just because they were both from London it didn’t mean that they would hit it off, but looking back, he was incredibly thankful that his friend had managed to convince him to go out that night and meet Kyle.

He and Ralph had originally planned to start a band together, but Dan’s anxiety made it too difficult for him, so he turned to his second passion: teaching. At the end of the year, Ralph decided to go back to London to try for a career in music, while Dan stayed behind and earned his masters in education. He stayed in their tiny apartment, and mostly kept to himself. It wasn’t until five years later, when Ralph came back to visit with his newly successful band in tow, that Dan saw Kyle again. 

 

_ Dan sat alone at the bar, his hands clamped around the glass of whiskey he was drinking mostly just to keep himself occupied. He felt a bit like a let down. Ralph was meeting up with all his old friends from back when he still lived here and Dan was too shy to go talk and dance and drink properly with the rest of them. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it was that he was too afraid of somehow messing it up to even try, his brain working on overdrive to try to somehow convince him that he won’t be able to do it. _

_ He finished his drink in one big gulp and was about to order another one when someone tapped his shoulder from behind. _

_ “Dan?” The man asked him, and after spinning around on the barstool and looking up to his face, Dan recognized him as Kyle, he and Ralph’s old mutual friend. _

_ “Kyle?” Is all Dan managed to say, his thoughts all mixed up and jumbled in his brain. Some would blame it on the alcohol, Dan blamed it on Kyle’s face. Because the issue was, from the first time they met, Dan had taken a liking to Kyle. In a way that was more than just friendly. _

_ “It’s good to see you, man! How’ve you been?” Kyle asked him, taking a seat on the barstool to his right. “How long has it been- five? Six years?” _

_ “Five.” Dan confirmed with a nod. “I’ve been alright, you?” _

_ “Good, now, can I buy you a drink?” _

_ A few drinks too many later and with many laughs shared in between them, Kyle found himself walking Dan home. It was a warm summer night in the city, and the streets were still filled with people- tourists admiring the lights that never turned off and locals finding their own ways home after a friday night spent out. _

_ “I like you, Kyle.” Dan sighed as they reach the door to his apartment complex. The alcohol had made him feel an odd sense of bravery, and he then realized why people dubbed it liquid courage. He fumbled in his pockets for his keys to distract himself. _

_ “I like you too, Dan.” Kyle said back, smiling widely. _

_ “No, I mean I like you. I fancy you. In a gay way.” Dan explained, scanning his key and unlocking the door. _

_ “I fancy you in a gay way, too.” Kyle replied, his voice suddenly much more sober. Dan finally looked up to meet his eyes, which were filled with sincerity. “Can I… Can I kiss you?” _

_ Dan nodded but didn’t dare move, and it took everything in his power, even drunk, not to flinch back when Kyle’s hands cupped his face as he slowly connected their lips in a short kiss. It wasn’t all that good- Kyle’s beard scratchy against his skin, Dan to stunned to really move with him- but it was their first kiss, and it would always be special. _

 

But now they were here, and Dan was absolutely terrified of losing him.

He and Kyle hadn’t said ‘I love you’ to each other yet, but it didn’t mean Dan wasn’t completely and absolutely in love with him. If there was anything he was sure about in his life, it was that.

“Dan, are you okay?” Kyle asks, pulling him out from his thoughts. Dan looks at him, and when he meets those eyes that still make him feel butterflies in his stomach, he swallows the lump in his throat and his hands begin to tremble.

“I love you, Kyle.” He says, not bothering to mask the fear he is feeling. “And I really want you to stay.”

Kyle doesn’t answer right away, and Dan’s heart plummets down to his stomach. He’s about to open his mouth to say something else, when suddenly Kyle is in front of him and kissing the corner of his mouth softly, almost as though he’s afraid that if he presses too hard Dan will shatter underneath him.

“I love you, too.” He whispers before kissing his temple and wrapping his arms around him in a tight embrace. Dan leans his forehead against the other’s shoulder, and lets his silent tears fall, wetting the other’s sweater. “And of course, I’ll stay, you idiot.”

  
  



	2. just to have you around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello  
> updates won't usually be this frequent but I suppose I just wanted to prove to you guys that I'm committed to this haha

Dan loves his job.

There’s something about teaching that he really loves. Maybe it’s building relationships with his students and watching them grow, or getting to talk about subjects he is passionate about for hours on end, but one thing he knows for certain is that he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Part of him always wonders what would have happened if he had kept going with his original plan of doing music. Some of his original demos were still up online and had gotten some minor attention, but he always felt that on his own the music wasn’t good enough, and he believed that no one would want to waste their time making music with him. Of course, he was wrong, but his brain convinced him otherwise-- he loved creating art, but had a much harder time when it came to sharing it with others. So even though he imagines that working in the music industry would have been fulfilling and exciting in it’s own way, he never doubted for a minute that he made the right decision.

As he sits at his desk waiting for first period to start, he thinks about how (and if) he should tell his students about his diagnosis. He thinks it’s only fair they should know, especially since he knows that his time left at work is limited. Just not today, that would be far too soon. He still didn’t fully understand it, and hadn’t really come to terms with it himself, and wasn’t ready to face their reactions or answer their questions.

His phone buzzes on his desk, and he picks it up to see that Kyle is calling him.

“Hey.” He says into the phone, grabbing a pen from the cup on his desk and starting to twirl it absentmindedly between his fingers.

“Hey, babes. Just calling to make sure you didn’t forget your appointment this afternoon.” Kyle’s voice comes clearly through the speaker. Dan sighs. How  _ could _ he forget? Kyle is referring to his appointment with the cancer specialist, where they would run more tests, discuss his options further, and plan a course of action. Dan asked his boyfriend to go with him for support, which he was certain that he would need, especially after being told his odds.

“I didn’t forget. Can you still come with me?” Dan asks him, just confirming. His anxiety liked to make him think people forgot about him, or just didn’t care, so he always double checked any plans- just in case.

“Of course.” Kyle reassures him. The sound of the doorknob turning makes him look up and he sees that a few of his students are starting to come in. He frowns because there are still at least ten minutes until they needed to come in, but just shrugs it off. Sometimes students come in to his class just to hang out, it’s nothing unusual.

“Thank you. Is that everything? Class is starting soon.” Dan rushes into the phone, anxiously eyeing the two students who are looking at him weirdly from across the room. He didn’t want to accidentally say something relating to his personal life while his students were in the room and listening, being a fairly private person in general.

“Oh yeah! Make sure you’re drinking that tea I gave you, it’s good for you.”

“Kyle, you know that’s not how these things work.” Dan says feigning annoyance, but still chuckling lightly.

“I know, I know. But it can’t hurt. Anyways, that’s all. I love you, have a good day.” Kyle says, and Dan can’t help but smile even though he knows he won’t see it.

“Love you too, I’ll see you later.” He says quietly, hanging up the cellphone and putting it back on the desk. He looks up to see that the two students, one who doesn’t even have his class until later in the day, are now standing in front of his desk and eyeing him shyly.

“Can I help you?” Dan asks them, smiling a little bit in an attempt to mask his confusion.

“Yeah.” One of the girls, a student named Marissa, starts. She glances at her friend, another girl named Emily, who nods in encouragement. “We found this video online and were wondering if it was you?”

The teenager shoves an iPhone into his hand and he takes it, looking at the screen. Is is open on a YouTube video, and he immediately recognizes it as the acoustic video for the song Choices that he had filmed with Ralph and some of their other friends from back home (well, from London, he should stop calling it home, considering he had been living in the states for the majority of his adult life). 

He hadn’t thought about that video in a long time. It was now nearly seven years since they filmed it, and he had never bothered to keep up with people’s reactions to it. But now he was staring at the image, a younger version of himself next to his best friend who he was embarrassed to admit he hadn’t spoken to in a while, and he felt a rush of affection towards the people in it.

“Yeah, that’s me.” He says softly, and the girls grin excitedly. “I haven’t thought about this video in ages.”

He hands them back the cell phone, and scratches the back of his neck as he thinks back to his life back then. It was so different from the one he had now, and although he loved his life (aside from the whole cancer thing, obviously,) he did miss being a young man, still unsure of what the future held and dreaming of a career in music.

Somewhere on his laptop were still the old files of songs he had written back then. He never had the heart to delete them. Although he was too embarrassed to listen to them or show them to anyone, part of him was proud of the sounds he had created.

“Oh my God! Are you serious? That’s so cool! So you know Ralph, from To Kill A King?” One of the girls, Emily, gushes, and he can’t help but smile with slight amusement at how genuinely excited she looks.

“I do, yeah. We went to uni together, he actually lived here for a year with me, before moving back home to start the band.” Dan explains.

“That’s crazy!”

The girls start to rave about the band’s music and Dan just listens politely, offering small smiles and nods here and there.

His heart twists guiltily when he realizes he hadn’t told Ralph about his diagnosis yet. Ralph used to be the first person that Dan would think of telling after receiving any sort of news, but now that he had Kyle, he didn’t have to call his best friend everytime something happened. But the thing is, this isn’t just a minor inconvenience that he needed to rant about to someone, this is essentially his death sentence, and Ralph deserved to know as soon as possible.

The bell rings signaling the start of class, and Dan slowly starts to get ready to teach.

 

When the day is finally over, Dan is in a bad mood. He is standing outside of the school in the light drizzle, waiting for Kyle to come pick him up. Usually he drives to work, but he decided to take the bus this morning so that he could go to his appointment with Kyle instead of having to meet him there.

There are many reasons he in’t particularly happy.

First off, there was the ever present reminder that he was going to die, which in itself was enough to make anyone depressed for the rest of their lives. Aside from that, he hasn’t eaten anything all day because his stomach pains are so bad, and he is freezing cold because his thin jacket is not waterproof so the rain is soaking right through.

When Kyle’s black BMW pulled up to the curb, he audibly sighs in relief and quickly gets into the passenger seat, Kyle smiling at him from the driver’s spot.

“Hey, how was your day?” Kyle asks cheerfully, and Dan just grunts in response, instead turning on the seat warmers to try to heat his body back up.

Instead of chastising him for being rude, or making him feel bad about it, Kyle just turns on the radio and starts driving towards the hospital. This makes Dan feel guilty, and with every passing minute he feels worse about it.

They eventually make it to the car park, and as Kyle pulls into an open spot and puts the car in park, Dan reaches out and puts his hand on his, getting his attention.

Kyle turns in his seat to give Dan his full attention.

“I’m sorry. I’m just in a bad mood.” Dan explains weakly, feeling awfully childish.

“It’s okay, babes, I understand.” Kyle says with his best smile, but Dan doesn’t miss the sadness behind his eyes.

“No, it’s not okay. You’re just trying your best, I’m the one who told you to act normal around me. It’s unfair of me to take out my anger on you.” Dan continues, averting his eyes and instead intently staring at the small fray in the fabric of his jeans.

“Oh, your precious.” Kyle chuckles, and Dan looks up at him in confusion. “Literally all you did was ignore me for five minutes, people have done a lot worse, but you’re acting like you hit me or something.”

Kyle starts laughing and Dan doesn’t know how to respond, so he just mumbles a quick  _ sorry _ .

“Stop apologizing, will you?” Kyle says, feigning annoyance but smiling lightly, before opening the door and getting out of the car. Before Dan can even undo his seat belt, Kyle appears at his side and opens the door for him.

“What a gentleman.” Dan mumbles quietly, accepting Kyles offer of a hand to help pull him out of the car.

It’s easy to find the right building, and after quickly signing in with the receptionist, Dan and Kyle find themselves waiting in one of the examination rooms. Dan had to change into one of those robes, and was sitting on top of the table, fiddling with his hands anxiously. Kyle was sitting in a chair by the wall, reading off some funny posts he found on twitter in an attempt to distract them both from the morbid situation.

Although he wasn’t really listening to what the other man was saying, Dan’s heart swelled with affection for him.

They are interrupted by a knock on the door, and the doctor walking through. He’s a middle aged man, pale skin and very little hair left on his head. He has kind eyes though, and seems to be nice enough.

“Good afternoon mister…” The doctor briefly looks down at his clipboard before returning his gaze to Dan, “Smith. You’re here for a consulting?”

“Just Dan is fine, thanks. But yes, that’s me.” Dan explains quietly.

“Alright, Dan.” The doctor says, sitting at his computer and typing some information into a very complex looking spreadsheet. “Where’s that accent of yours from?”

“London, but I’ve lived here for a while now.” Dan answers, glancing over to Kyle who gives him a reassuring smile and nod.

“And who’s this?” The doctor asks, referring to the third man in the room.

“I’m Kyle.” He says, jumping up from his chair and offering a hand to shake that of the doctor. “I’m a… close friend of Dan’s” Kyle and Dan didn’t hide their relationship from the world. If people asked, they were honest about it. But if they could avoid saying it outright, they did. Even in the most progressive of places there were still homophobes, and it just wasn’t something they wanted to have to worry about it if they didn’t have to.

“Alright.” The doctor says, shaking his hand. “Here for emotional support?”

“Yeah, he can be here.” Dan confirms, answering the question he knew the doctor would be asking next.

The doctor nods and taps some more notes into the spreadsheet before turning his attention back to his patient.

“Could you just answer a few questions for me, confirm some details?” The doctor asks and Dan nods in agreement. “Okay… let’s start with your full name and age.”

“Daniel Campbell Smith, I’m 32.”

“Occupation?”

“Teacher, high school.”

There were more questions, mostly about his family’s medical history. He couldn’t answer a lot of them because he didn’t really know much about them, but there were a few he could.

“Alright, I’m just going to try to see if I can feel the tumor before we go do some scans, is that okay?” The doctor asks, grabbing some gloves from a box on the counter.

“Sure.” Dan nods in confirmation, straightening himself up and suddenly feeling self conscious.

The doctor comes over and gently starts to press down on various parts of his gut, and for the most part he doesn’t feel much of anything, but when he pushes down on the spot right to the left of his belly button, he winces and hisses in pain.

“Did that hurt?” The doctor asks him, looking up to meet his eye.

“No.” Dan lies, without really thinking.

“Dan, you’re going to have to be honest with me, especially about things like pain.” The doctor sighs. Dan nods slightly to show he heard him. “Okay, so did that hurt?”

“Yeah.” Dan says quietly. He briefly looks up to meet Kyle’s gaze, and the other man gives him a sad smile.

 

After finishing his physical and doing several different types of scans, Dan was allowed to get back dressed. Once he was decent, he and Kyle were directed to an office where they waited for the doctor to come back with the results.

They wait in silence, Dan slumped slightly in his chair as he tried not to think too hard about the situation. He tried focusing instead on what he wanted to do in class tomorrow, or whether Kyle would want to go out tonight, even though it was a week day.

Luckily the doctor comes in soon, taking a seat behind the desk and clearing his throat. 

“So there’s bad news and there’s good news.” The doctor starts, shuffling some papers in his hands. Kyle visibly tenses in his chair, but Dan feels far too tired to even react. It almost feels as though he’s not really there, as though he’s just a bystander watching the movie of his own life.

“So, the bad news is that the cancer has spread slightly, proving our suspicions that it is a pretty aggressive form. The good news, however, is that it’s all still in your gut, hasn’t spread anywhere else in the body, and with a minor surgical procedure to get rid of one of the bigger tumors followed by intensive chemotherapy, we have about a twenty percent chance of removing it all, which considering how late we caught this, are rather good odds.”

The doctor continues, and Dan notices Kyle taking notes and asking follow up questions, which makes him feel a sense of fondness but also sadness. He knows he’s lucky to have Kyle, because without him, Dan would have already given up. It wasn’t that he wanted to die, it was quite the opposite, actually. He was so scared of dying, but he was a strong believer that is you ignored the big problems in your life they will simply go away.

With cancer, however, that wouldn’t work.

But seeing Kyle  _ care _ so much also made him sad. Kyle didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve to be in love with a dying man. Dan didn’t want to consider what it would mean for Kyle if he passed away. It was all too awful to think about.

“Dan, do you have any questions for me?” The doctor asks him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“No.” Dan says so softly it’s almost a whisper, shaking his head slightly for emphasis.

“Actually, I have a couple.” Kyle starts, glancing sideways at Dan, seemingly asking for his permission. Dan gives him a small nod in response. “He hasn’t been eating much, because of his stomach pains, and I was wondering if there’s something that might be easier for him to eat or make it more comfortable?”

“Oh, that’s good to know.” The doctor starts, jotting some notes on one of the papers in front of him and directing his attention to Dan. “Well, just to be sure your getting all the nutrients you need, you should start taking a multivitamin. I can write down a few brands I recommend. Is it quantity of food or type of food that you are having difficulty with?”

“I just don’t really have an appetite, which says a lot, considering how much I used to eat before,” Dan chuckles, even though it isn’t all that funny in the context. “But I guess quantity. Or anything heavy.” 

“Okay. I would suggest eating foods high in calories and nutrients because you’re going to need your strength. Some good ideas include whole grain bread, salmon, avocado, and yogurt.”

“Okay, thank you.” Kyle says, before posing his next question. “When should he stop working?”

Dan freezes slightly, suddenly much more focused.

“That’s really up to you, everyone reacts differently to chemotherapy but I would recommend stopping after the surgery, because you won’t be feeling too hot after that.”

 

When they get home from the doctor’s appointment, Dan notices that Kyle was awfully quiet. 

“Is everything okay?” Dan asks as he watches Kyle prepare a meal for the two of them from his own spot at the counter. He’s making them grilled cheese, but ruining it- in Dan’s opinion- with tomato and avocado.

The other man is silent for a minute, and puts down his knife, turning to face Dan.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” Kyle says nervously, and Dan’s breathing stops for a second. “I called Ralph this morning, to ask him if he was planning on visiting at all, and I just assumed you told him? But obviously you hadn’t and I think I upset him. I’m sorry.”

Dan’s heart plummets to his stomach.

“No, don’t apologize. I should go give him a call.” Dan mumbles, rubbing a hand through his hair that was in desperate need of a haircut.

“It’s like, two in the morning over there.” Kyle frowns, resuming his chopping.

“He’s in Atlanta right now, right?.” Dan mumbles, grabbing his cellphone and pulling up Ralph’s contact. “You would know, you talked to him this morning.”

“We didn’t really get to pleasantries…” Kyle mutters.

“Right…” Dan sighs, hitting the call button and holding the phone to his ear. He starts walking to the bedroom and barely makes it through the door before Ralph picks up.

“Hey, Ralph.” Dan says into the phone, his nerves finally catching up to him.

“We need to talk.” His friend says, his tone of voice void of any telling emotions, and Dan feels guilt course through him.

The last time Ralph was so serious was when Dan came out to him, all those years ago.

 

_ “Dan? We need to talk.” _

_ Dan paused the film he was watching on his noisy old laptop and looked up to see Ralph standing in the doorway of his room, a serious look on his face. He slowly closed his computer and set it aside, clearing his throat and turning his full attention to his friend. _

_ “What’s up?” Dan asked, trying to mask his confusion and slight fear at what Ralph was going to say. The two of them were close, but they weren’t big on heart to hearts or deep meaningful conversations. _

_ “Are you alright? We haven’t hung out in a while.” Ralph paused. Dan couldn’t even meet his eye, feelings of shame and guilt taking over completely. “I miss you.” _

_ “I’m just worried about you.” Ralph continued, walking into the room and sitting on the bed, on the opposite end of Dan. “What changed? You used to be happy.” _

_ Dan didn’t say anything. He felt numb, maybe a bit angry, but mostly he felt uncomfortable. For as long as he’s known, he hasn’t been comfortable talking about himself, but especially not about his feelings. But Ralph was right, Dan did used to be happy, but recently that changed. _

_ “Come on Dan… talk to me.” Ralph whispered a little desperately, and Dan sighed, busying his fingers by tugging at the hem of his knit jumper. _

_ “I’m fine, Ralph.” Dan mumbled, but even he didn’t believe his own voice. _

_ “We both know that’s not true.” Ralph pressed gently. _

_ They sat in silence for a few minute, the air thick and full of tension. The only sound was the soft thudding of rain drops against the ceiling and the occasional sniffles of breath. _

_ “I don’t really know how to say this…” Dan started softly, deciding he was better off telling his friend than continuing to lie for the rest of his life. “I don’t really know when I knew… I guess I just did? Anyway… God, this is so awkward. But anyway, I’ve been trying to ignore it, but I can’t anymore, and I’m just really stressed, trying to hide this huge secret--” _

_ “Dan, what are you going on about?” Ralph interrupted his rambling. _

_ “I’m gay?” Dan said, although it came out more as a question. _

_ There were a few beats of silence, but it was broken by a soft chuckle from Ralph. _

_ “Why are you laughing?” Dan asked, slightly annoyed but mostly worried. _

_ “Because I already know that, Dan. It’s obvious.” _

 

“Yeah, we do.” Dan says into the phone, shutting the door and sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ralph asks, and Dan only just catches the sadness in his voice.

“I don’t know, I’m sorry. I should have, you should have been the first person I called.” Dan apologizes, trying to show Ralph just how guilty he feels. There’s a minute of silence, and Dan holds his breath waiting for a response.

“Look, it doesn’t matter now anyway. What are your options? Tell me everything.”

So Dan does. He tells him about his diagnosis, and the course of treatment. He tells him about the scheduled surgery, and about the chemotherapy. He tells him about his fears, and he tells him about Kyle, who was going to be right there by his side every step of the way.

“I have to admit, I was a bit surprised when he called. I knew you two had gotten together, but I didn’t realise how close you’d gotten.” Ralph comments.

“Yeah, he’s pretty amazing.” Dan can’t stop the smile that spreads on his face as he thinks about his boyfriend. “I don’t deserve him.”

“Yeah, you do.” Ralph chuckles. “Anyway, I have to go. But Dan, please, promise to call more? I am going to stop by before going back home but we need to improve communication between us, don’t you think?”

After they say their goodbyes, Dan hangs up the phone and wanders back into the kitchen where he finds Kyle sitting at the counter, two plates of food in front of him. Kyle is distracted on his own cell phone, and Dan feels a wave of affection wash over him. He sneaks up behind Kyle and gently grabs him by the shoulders, making him jump slightly in surprise.

“Hey, how was the phone call?” Kyle asks him, but Dan ignores him and starts to press gentle kisses to the back of his neck.

“It was good.” Dan quickly mumbles between kisses, his words muffled by the skin. Kyle tilts his head to the side to give him better access. Dan wasn’t usually confident enough in himself to initiate anything, so when he did, Kyle tried to enjoy it. But right now he couldn’t, his mind was far too over run with worries about Dan and his health. He shakily pulls away, turning his head to face Dan.

“Can we eat first?” Kyle asks, trying to seem casual but failing to hide the slight shakiness in his voice. Luckily, Dan seems to get it because he sits down no questions asked, and picks up the sandwich.

“This looks amazing, Kyle. Thank you.” Dan offers, sensing the growing tension in the air.

“You’re welcome.”

They eat in silence, and even though it physically hurts him, Dan finishes all the food in his plate in an attempt to make Kyle proud, or at least feel a little bit better.

Even though Kyle protests, Dan cleans the dishes. It’s the least he can do.

“Are you going to go back to your place to sleep, or are you going to stay here?” Kyle asks him, toying with the ring on his finger.

“I wasn’t planning on staying, but I wouldn’t be opposed.” Dan replies, rinsing one of the plates.

“You should stay.” Kyle says, and Dan smiles a little, a warm feeling coursing through his veins.

“Okay.”

  
  



	3. but I held true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh boy I am really close to finishing writing this and honestly it's a rollercoaster

The next morning, Dan wakes up before his alarm. He groans and rubs his eyes, attempting to roll over in the bed but is stopped by a warm lump next to him. A smile creeps onto his face as he remembers falling asleep in Kyle’s arms, instead of alone in his own apartment.

He moves up on the bed so he can get a better look at his boyfriend’s sleeping body, which is only partially covered by the bed sheets. Dan studies the way his chest rises and falls with every breath and the adorable way his nose scrunches up when he is tickled by his own beard.

Carefully, Dan shifts so that his head is laying on Kyle’s shoulder, which is covered by the grey shirt he’s wearing, and starts using him as a makeshift pillow. He slowly lets his eyes flutter shut, and focuses on breathing in and out on the same rhythm as Kyle.

A few minutes later, Kyle’s alarm starts to ring and the taller man stirs under him. Dan can feel him reaching for the phone and stopping the noise, but keeps his eyes shut- secretly hoping they won’t have to get up. However, it’s a Wednesday, which means they both have to go work.

As soon as he shuts off the alarm, Kyle moves his hand so it’s in Dan’s hair, tugging at the messy black hair and pulling it away from his face. Dan sighs contently and leans into the touch.

“Come on, babes. We have to get up.” Kyle whispers, his voice low and breathy from sleep. He waits for a few moments but when Dan doesn’t answer he adds, “I know you’re awake.”

Dan groans and slowly opens his eyes to see Kyle smiling down at him.

“Ah, there are those pretty eyes I love.” Kyle mumbles softly, continuing to card his fingers through Dan’s hair, massaging his scalp in the process. The comment makes the skin on Dan’s neck turn red.

“Don’t be such a sap.” He mumbles, slowly pulling away from Kyle and begrudgingly rolling out of bed.

“But you love it.” Kyle smirks, getting out of bed himself.

“You’re right, I do.”

 

Dan had another bad day. He didn’t have any appetite and the pain felt worse for some reason, so even just moving was a struggle. He was so tired of feeling sick, but he knew it would only get worse once they started treatment. As of now it was only stomach pains and lethargy, but once he started chemo they would coupled with nausea and dizziness. Today he also finally told the school’s principal about the cancer and luckily the conversation went well, ending with Dan promising to come back for his job if he was able to beat it.

Now he was alone in his own apartment, trying to focus on grading the thick stack of papers in front of him.

It was an interesting assignment, and he actually looked forward to reading the papers. He had asked his students to write about one of three things: a time in their life they felt the most scared, a time in their life they felt the most loved, or the time in their life they felt the most proud. The more personalized narratives were nice break from the strictly academic analysis papers he had to read most of the time.

But today he was finding himself having a hard time with it, the ache in his gut painfully distracting and his mind far too occupied with the weight of it all.

He sighs and picks up the next essay from the thick stack, and starts to read the first paragraph.

_ My biggest fear in life is the end of life itself. But rather than fearing the pain of dying, I am afraid of the potential regrets and I am afraid of the lives I will leave behind. _

Dan’s breath shortens, and his eyes drag along the typed words.

_ As a teenager, there is so much in life I am yet to experience, such as getting drunk with my friends or meeting the love of my life. Making a career for myself, buying a house. Getting married. Having kids. These are all things I hope to do one day, and although I am lucky to say I am not dying, sometimes I wish I could somehow guarantee to myself that these are things that I will get to do before I go. _

His hand clenches tighter around the paper.

_ But aside from the fear of having regrets, there is the fear of what will happen after I am gone. We often say that when we die we don’t want to be forgotten, but I also don’t want people to have to mourn for me when I go. I don’t want for my parents to have to suffer the thought of their daughter dying before they do, I don’t want my friends to fall into a pit of grief so deep they can’t get out. Why should they all suffer my loss, and I just be allowed to Rest In Peace? _

Dan puts down the paper and grabs his cellphone, his shaky hands fumbling the small device and scrolling through his recents to find Kyle’s number.

He picks up after only two rings.

“Dan? You alright?” There is slight worry behind his words, a tone which has become staple in the past week ever since his diagnosis.

“Kyle, I’m scared.” Dan says into the phone, his words barely above a whisper.

“Deep breaths, babes. What’s wrong?” 

“I’m just so fucking scared of dying.” Dan manages to say before the sobs take control of his body. The same way his entire body becomes consumed with his laughter, it is possessed when he cries.

“I’m on my way, I’ll be right there.” Is all Kyle can say before Dan hangs up the phone.

 

When Kyle gets to the flat, Dan has mostly calmed down. He’s sitting on the couch, his gaze fixed to the scene outside his window, a frankly quite bland view of commercial New Jersey. It was all he could afford on a teacher’s salary, but he didn’t mind it too much.

Kyle knocked on the door as a courtesy, more than anything, before letting himself in with the spare key Dan had given him for emergencies.

“Dan?” He calls softly from the doorway, but the other man can’t bring himself to answer. He’s too tired.

Dan can hear Kyle wandering through his apartment, trying to find him. He hears his footsteps stop at the entrance of the living room, and he hears the soft sigh that escapes his lips. The couch shifts underneath him when Kyle sits next to him, but Dan can’t bring himself to look him in the eye.

They sit in heavy silence for a while, long enough that the sun has now set leaving them in darkness.

“I’m sorry.” Dan croaks, his voice wrecked from his crying.

“What for?” Kyle asks gently.

“Freaking out.”

“You have every right to be freaking out.” Kyle reassures, scooting so he is slightly closer to Dan but not close enough so they are touching. “But if you don’t mind me asking, what was it about? Specifically?”

There’s a moment of silence, a pause while Dan formulates his answer.

“There’s so much more I want to do. There’s so much I haven’t done.” Dan starts, his gaze still fixed on the ground, the window- anything but the other man. “I’ve always wanted to travel the world, or go see the symphony. I want to swim with fucking sharks and see the Arctic Monkeys live.”

Dan chuckles lightly amidst the heaviness of the topic, and Kyle does too.

“I… I’ve always wanted to get married. And maybe have kids.” Dan finishes with a sigh, a shaky hand running through his hair. “But now I won’t be able to do any of that.”

“That’s not necessarily true.” Kyle says, and Dan finally looks up at him, meeting his warm brown eyes with his own teary blue ones. “Make a list, of everything you’ve ever wanted to do, and we’ll do the ones we can. I’ll help you.”

Dan gives him a skeptical look, and Kyle musters up his most reassuring smile.

“Look, for one, I know that there is an absolutely  _ incredible  _ symphony right here in the city that I’m sure we can go see.”

“We looked at the tickets together a while ago, Kyle. They were crazy expensive. Don’t you remember?” Dan sighs, wallowing in his sadness.

“Dan, it’s not like we have to save for your retirement anymore. I’m sure we can spare a couple hundred dollars.” Kyle shoots back, and he immediately slaps a hand over his mouth at the bluntness of his response.

Dan looks at him, eyes wide, and Kyle is about to apologize when all of a sudden Dan bursts out laughing. Now it’s Kyle’s turn to be wide eyed with surprise.

At the sound of Dan’s laughter, Kyle remembers how much he missed seeing him happy. When he laughed, it wasn’t just a sound. His whole body got into it, and he doubled over in hysterics. A smile creeps on to Kyle’s face despite the circumstances.

Eventually Dan’s laughs become nothing more than quiet giggles, but Kyle can’t keep his eyes of the big smile on Dan’s face. It looks so much more fitting than the tear stains on his cheeks, and combined with the electric blue eyes that used to render him speechless, Kyle is reminded of why he fell in love all those months ago.

“What are you staring at?” Dan asks, his voice a little breathless.

“You. You’re cute.” Kyle answers, no shame or embarrassment in his voice.

“Aww. You’re cute too.” Dan teases, shuffling so his thigh is pressed up against Kyle’s. Dan’s hand finds its way to the other’s cheek, his thumb stroking the place where his beard ended and became smooth, shaved skin. Kyle sighs quietly and leans into the touch.

Dan tentatively moves his face closer to Kyle’s, but stops about an inch away, flickering his eyes down to his lips. Kyle closes the distance, pressing them together in a soft kiss. Their lips move in practiced unison, as though it was all they were ever meant to do.

When they seperate, Dan’s cheeks are tinted pink and so are Kyle’s.

“You know, there’s one thing on my bucket list that we could check off tonight.” Dan says thoughtfully with a mischievous grin on his face.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Kyle asks, completely oblivious.

Dan doesn’t answer him verbally, and instead swings a leg over Kyle’s body so he is straddling his hips. He pushes another kiss on Kyle’s lips, but this one is needier and more passionate. Kyle leans into it and kisses him back, his hands awkwardly finding their place supporting Dan’s lower back, but he pulls away just as quickly, his eyes searching Dan’s face carefully.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asks him, his tone serious. But then Dan gives him the brightest smile and nods.

“More than anything.”

Dan reconnects their lips, but this time it’s more slow and deep, as though to memorize the exact dimensions of the other’s body. His hands wander down from where they held Kyle’s face and land at his sides, and judging by the way Kyle’s breath hitches he liked the touch. Kyle’s own hands crawl up Dan’s sides and somehow land in his hair, fingers intertwining in the black strands.

Dan pulls away, breathless, and moves back to stand on the ground. He reaches out a hand to a confused and flustered looking Kyle, offering to pull him off the couch.

“Let’s move this, to the bedroom, yeah?” Dan suggests, and Kyle immediately accepts the outstretched hand and stands up and follows him down the short hallway to the room. Although it’s only the two of them in the apartment, Dan shuts the door behind them.

Dan stands still by the side of the bed, suddenly nervous and hyper aware of the situation.

“You alright, babes?” Kyle asks, and Dan turns to meet his eyes.

“I’ve never done this before.” He admits, anxiously running a hand through his hair.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” Kyle reassures, stepping closer to gently touch Dan’s arm right above the elbow with his fingertips. “We can take it slow, or do nothing at all. No pressure.”

“No, I want to. I want to.” Dan confirms, taking Kyle’s hands in his own and gently pulling him so that they collapse on the bed, Kyle above him with his legs on either side of Dan’s body. Kyle takes the lead, kissing Dan’s lips, his scruffy jawline, down his neck, and then moving back up to his lips again. Dan melts below him, his hands desperately clawing at the fabric of Kyle’s t-shirt. 

Eventually Kyle straightens up to tug of the shirt, and then moves to help Dan do the same, but the other man tenses and holds it down.

Kyle softens his hold on the fabric and reaches up to gently caress Dan’s face, searching his eyes for any tell of what he’s thinking. The insecurity and uncertainty in his expression are clear, and it makes Kyle’s heart throb when he remembers that Dan isn’t able to see himself with the same adoration and amazement that he does.

“Dan, let me see you. I want to see you.” Kyle whispers, not moving his hand from where it rubs comforting circles on his cheek.

After a second of thought, Dan takes a deep breath and sits up himself, tugging off the shirt to reveal his pale, hairless chest.

“God, your gorgeous.” Kyle mutters, gently pushing Dan back down so that he can go back to kissing him with the same passion as before. Dan’s hands are moving more shyly now, barely ghosting over his skin as though he might accidentally hurt him. In other circumstances it might have made him laugh but right now it fills him with so much affection and adoration that he just kisses him harder, trying to somehow show him just how in love he is.

When he finally needs to take a breath, he sits up with a sigh and admires the way Dan’s long black eyelashes flutter open to reveal the electric blue eyes.

“Is this okay?” Kyle asks before Dan can begin to question himself.

“Perfect.” Dan whispers breathlessly. Kyle’s hand begin to gently touch Dan’s chest, and he can’t help but shiver contently at the way Dan’s breath hitches when his fingernails drag down the plains of his flat stomach down to the waistband of his jeans.

“Are you one hundred percent sure you want to do this?” Kyle asks again, looking deeply into Dan’s eyes, searching for any sort of uncertainty. He sees none.

“I’m sure, Kyle. Please.” Dan reassure him, gently pulling him down for another kiss. Just as quickly, Kyle moves his lips down so they are pressing open mouth kisses on his jaw and neck, eliciting happy sighs from Dan, who cards his fingers into Kyle’s soft hair. 

Neither of them lasted long. They just used their hands and their lips against each other until they both reached their climaxes, landing heavy on the bed in each other arms.

As soon as he regains his breath, Dan starts pulling at the duvet in a weak attempt to cover himself up, not wanting Kyle to see his body out in the open like that. Kyle frowns and gently reaches over and grabs his arm to stop him, making Dan look him in the eye.

“We should get cleaned up first, yeah?” Kyle suggests, choosing to ignore the pain of sadness that came with seeing how insecure Dan was about his body. The two of them get out of bed, and before Dan can start getting dressed, Kyle grabs his own t shirt and gently starts to wipe of his stomach. Dan flinches back in surprise, but Kyle already has a hand on his shoulder to keep him steady and Dan ends up smiling up at him appreciatively. 

“You’re so beautiful” Kyle reminds him, dropping the now dirty shirt after using it to quickly wipe himself off. 

“Shut up.” Dan chuckles, a reddish tint creeping onto the back of his neck.

“It’s true.” Kyle retorts, taking his hands in his own to prevent him from putting his clothes back on. It wasn’t that he wanted to keep him naked, he just wanted time to stop for a second, so he could remember this moment forever, being so close to the man he loved.

“I’m going to take a shower.” Dan says, and Kyle reluctantly drops his hands.

“Can I join you?” He asks, following Dan into the bathroom attached to the bedroom.

Dan pauses for a minute, but then nods and flashes Kyle a shy smile before turning the water on and waiting for it to warm up. As the small room become steamier, Kyle grows thankful for the foggy mirror because it’s one less thing for Dan to worry about.

In the shower, they take turns standing under the stream of water and help each other wash their hair, gently caressing and massaging shampoo through the strands of each other’s hair. As they rinse out the suds, Kyle clears his throat to get Dan’s attention.

“Was it… Was I good for you?” He asks, just wanting to make sure. He just took Dan’s virginity, if you qualify handjobs, and he knew that it was an important milestone for them both. It wasn’t Kyle’s first time, but it was his first time with Dan, and that was special to him.

“You were perfect. It was perfect.” Dan reassures him.

 

After a quick dinner of junk food they ordered in (both of them felt they deserved a treat after yet another emotional rollercoaster of a day), they ended up together in Dan’s bed- Kyle wearing a borrowed pair of pajamas.

Kyle always thought it was funny that they could borrow each others clothes. Although Kyle was technically a bigger size than Dan, Dan always bought his hoodies and long sleeves a size or two bigger than he needed, which meant that Kyle could also wear them on occasions like this.

They cuddled for a while, one of Dan’s favorite films playing on the old television. It was a thriller, but both of them had seen it enough times that it was no longer scary. In fact, there was a sense of comfort that came from knowing what was going to happen next.

Dan was basically laying on top of Kyle, using his chest as a backrest. Their legs were tangled under the covers and Kyle was holding onto him tightly, almost as if he would disappear if he let him go. It was said that trauma or bad news would either bring people together, or push them apart. In their case, it had definitely made them closer. It wasn’t that they weren’t completely infatuated with each other before the bad news, but now they felt a greater need for each other’s comfort, even if it came solely from having the other’s presence. Just being able to smell Kyle’s shampoo was enough to keep him calm and give him something to ground himself with.

Kyle thought Dan had fallen asleep, so it took him by surprise when the other man found the remote and paused the movie, detangling himself from Kyle so he could look him in the eye.

“I really like our movie nights.” Dan says, and just by looking in his eyes Kyle knows there is a bigger question coming.

“I do too.” He agrees, reaching out to gently touch the back of Dan’s hand with his finger tips.

“Would you move in with me?” Dan asks, and Kyle struggles to mask his face of surprise. Dan’s blue eyes are filled with sincerity and hope, and even if he wanted to (which he really didn’t) it would have been impossible for Kyle to say no.

“I’d love to.” He answers honestly, using one of his hands to gently pull Dan closer to him by the back of his neck and connects their lips in a soft kiss.

  
  



	4. late for this, late for that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's funny how my style changes so drastically from chapter to chapter depending on what mood I was when I wrote it

Today was officially Dan’s last day at work. His surgery was scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning, and right after that he would be thrown into intense cycles of chemotherapy, so it was literally the last day he would even be physically capable of working.

He wished it didn’t have to be so soon.

As his first class of students filed in, he watched them chatter excitedly to one another, and felt a pang of something akin to jealousy, wishing that he could be so content and carefree. Lately he had been having a hard time staying positive, although he tried very hard to be, and having to stand up in front of his classes of teenagers and explain his  _ situation _ , for lack of a better word, to them definitely wasn’t helping with his mood.

Once everyone was settled down at their desks, he went to the front of the room and clasped his hands together, clearing his throat to get their attention. Immediately, the class fell silent and turned their eyes to him.

“Good morning everyone.” He started, suddenly not sure about how to begin. The palms of his hands start to feel sweaty from the nerves. “So, uh, instead of having a normal class today, there is some… news… that I need to tell you guys.”

It became clear to Dan that there was no way to do this that wouldn’t be incredibly awkward, or at the very least uncomfortable, as the students looked up to him with confusion painted on their faces, waiting for him to explain.

“I’m really sad to say that this is my last day teaching you lot, at least for the time being.” There was a collective gasp across the room, so Dan paused for a moment before continuing. “About a week ago I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of intestinal cancer, and tomorrow I begin treatment.”

There was another pause as Dan looked at his students confused faces turn to shock, and some even turn into ones of sorrow.

Dan was one of the most well liked teachers at the school, and there were few who could actively say they didn’t like him or his teaching style. He was good at his job- passionate enough about the subject to offer good explanations of even the most obscure, difficult to read texts, but he was also humble and self aware enough to realize that there were a variety of different possible interpretations of a single piece of writing, and that none were objectively right or wrong. His classes were fun- and he often tried to integrate fun assignments such as analyzing song lyrics or writing haikus with the standard curriculum. But aside from just being a good teacher, he was kind, approachable, and easy to work with. He was also on the younger side, or at least looked to be on the younger side, which meant that the students felt he was more relatable. 

Essentially, it wasn’t surprising that the students would be sad to see him go.

“If I can get rid of it, which statistically is not as likely as I’d hope, I will obviously come right back to this job, but as I said, the odds are set against me. The school is currently looking for someone to replace me, but for now, some of the other teachers and some substitutes will cover lessons to keep you on track for graduation.”

He looks back to the faces, and sees that all the students are absolutely stunned. Although he appreciates that they are all taking it seriously, he hates how they are all looking up to him with so many unanswered questions in their eyes. He tries to muster up all the confidence he can, and does his best to hide how heartbroken he really is about the whole situation.

“If you have any questions, or concerns, I didn’t really plan anything else for today’s lesson, so please, feel free to use this time to ask them or just process the information. I know that this is going to be a big change for all of us, not just me, but I trust you will have no problem adjusting to your new teacher. You are a truly wonderful group of students, and it honestly was an absolute pleasure to have you lot this past semester.”

There is a long silence in the room, and to keep himself from being completely overtaken by his anxiety, Dan busies himself and begins to boil water in his electric kettle to make himself a cup of tea. He smiles fondly at the memories associated with his tea drinking habit, how his students would tease him about it being ‘the most British thing known to man’ and how it became a sort of tradition for them to gift him different varieties of tea from around the world.

His eyes keep looking back to the class every once in a while, and he watches as the students begin to turn to one another and whisper to each other. He notices that some look far more affected by it than others, in particular the students who he had had the year before in a different class or those who came from adverse circumstance- such as the young man with the drug addicts for parents who had almost given up on his dream of going to college because of them or the girl who had ended up pregnant at fifteen because of one night of poor judgement. He strongly believed that because kids were just that, kids, they had the right to make mistakes, and that they deserved second chances and opportunities just as any other.

He pours the hot water over a tea bag and walks back to the front of the classroom, taking long but slow sips of the warm drink. After about a minute, a couple students start raising their hands.

“Ethan.” Dan points to the student with his hand tentatively raised.

“I was just wondering, because you weren’t really clear, are you… are you  _ dying _ ?” The student asks, clearly nervous about the question. A few of his classmate shoot him dirty looks, and his face turns red in embarrassment.

“No, wait, that’s okay. It’s a good question.” He emphasizes, really wanting the students to feel as though they can ask anything that’s on their minds. “And yes, I guess you could say I am dying. It’s about a twenty percent survival rate, which with my type of cancer are pretty decent odds, all facts considered.

“But aren’t we all dying, in one way or another?” Dan adds, chuckling.

The class doesn’t laugh with him, but some give him sympathetic smiles.

He calls on the other student who also had her hand up.

“I don’t have a question. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and I hope that things go in your favor. I think I can speak for all of us when I say you’ll be in our prayers.” The girl says, earning nods and words in agreement from her peers.

“Thank you.” Is all Dan can say, and he feels an odd mixture of feelings in his gut. It’s not something that can easily be put into words, but maybe it could be described as security, the knowledge that there are people out their who care about him out there providing some comfort.

 

When Dan made it back to his apartment after work, he was feeling exhausted. Not only was he generally feeling tired physically, but after having to tell his five classes about the cancer, he was emotionally drained as well. All he really felt like doing was changing into a warm, cozy pair of sweatpants and a big hoodie, but his day wasn’t over yet.

Today was the day Ralph was coming to visit.

Under any other circumstances, Dan would have been overjoyed at the prospect of seeing his best friend, especially after so long. But this wasn’t some happy reunion, no, this actually may very well be the last time they see each other before Dan passes away- and Dan had no idea what to expect. Should they cry? Should they just talk? Should they go out to dinner? What were they supposed to do?

The sound of a key turning in the doorknob to his, correction,  _ their _ apartment alerted Dan that Kyle had arrived with Ralph, whom he had picked up from the airport, and he turned in his spot curled up in the corner of the couch to face the opening door. Kyle walked in first, carrying one of Ralph’s suit cases in his right hand while his left hand was fiddling with the key. They shared a smile before Dan turned his focus to the other man, who appeared in the doorway minutes after. As soon as they made eye contact, a sharp pang of sadness tore through Dan’s heart.

“Hey.” He managed to choke out as he stood up and walked over to him, maintaining his gaze the entire time. Kyle left them to go organize the guest room for Ralph (who was going to stay for a night before returning to London), and to give them a moment on their own.

“Hello.” Ralph said softly, tentatively reaching out to pull Dan into a hug. At first they were both tense, but as soon as their arms wrapped around each other they melted into the contact, resting against each other for support.

“I’m so fucking happy to see you.” Dan whispered into his ear, doing everything in his power not to let the tears that rimmed his eyes fall.

“I missed you too.” Ralph whispered back, giving Dan’s back one last reassuring pat before pulling away and giving him a bright smile. 

“How’ve you been?” Dan asked, leading the other man through the flat into the kitchen. He begins to boil water on the stove, and grabs three mugs out of the cupboard.

“Good, thanks.” Ralph answers, without elaboration. “How have you been feeling?”

“Pretty decent, all things considered. But I’m still in the easy phase, treatment starts later this week after my surgery tomorrow and that’s when I’ll start to feel pretty shitty.” It wasn’t a lie, he was feeling alright, but he decided not to mention the increasing pain in his gut that only seemed to get worse by the minute.

“You have the surgery tomorrow?”

“Yeah, first thing.”

“You didn’t tell me.”

Dan just shrugs, pouring the hot water over the tea bags.

“Dan, we talked about this. We need to communicate.”

“What was I supposed to do? Just call you up or send you a text, like, ‘ _ Hey man! How’s it going? Just FYI, I have a surgery on January 25th where they are going to cut around my vital organs to try to remove the cancerous cells that have made it home!’” _

“Yes! That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do!” Ralph exclaims, then continues in a softer tone. “Dan, it’s just… I worry about you. Hell, if you didn’t have Kyle…”

Ralph doesn’t finish his sentence, but he doesn’t have to because Dan knows exactly where he was going with it. Kyle was the only thing keeping him on track. It was Kyle who made sure he remembered his appointments and slept when he needed to. It was Kyle that made sure he wan’t in too much pain and taking his medication. When Kyle wasn’t there with him and making him, Dan skipped meals and ignored the doctors orders.

“Look, Dan, I don’t want to fight with you. I just need you to keep me up to date, talk to me, tell me what’s going on.” Ralph continued, his voice and eyes pleading.

“I will, I’m sorry.” Dan replied, mustering all the sincerity he could.

“It’s okay.” Ralph sighed, knowing that Dan wouldn’t change.

 

Kyle came back after a few minutes and the three of them took some time to catch up. Kyle’s job was in music production, so he and Ralph always had a lot to talk about. They knew a shocking amount of people in common, and exchanged crazy stories of famous artists they worked with or popular songs they had knowledge of before they were even released.

Soon enough it was dark outside and Kyle was looking through the fridge and pantry looking for something to cook for them.

“Dan, why don’t you go shower while the food is cooking?” Kyle asks out of nowhere, but Dan shrugs off the confusion and agrees, leaving Kyle and Ralph in the kitchen and disappearing down the hall.

There are a few beats of silence between them, but eventually Ralph breaks it.

“So, you and Dan.” Ralph says with a smile. He had intentionally set them up, but when years had past and they didn’t get together, he had begun to think it wouldn’t happen.

“Me and Dan.” Kyle agrees with a smile of his own.

“How has he been? I mean, I asked him, obviously, but I want to know your side. We both no that Dan isn’t the most… honest… when it comes to how he’s feeling.”

“Honestly? I think he’s coping the best he can.” Kyle pauses for a moment before turning from his place at the stove to face Ralph. “He’s scared. He doesn’t talk about it much, but I can see it in his eyes.”

Ralph nods in agreement and takes a sip of his tea.

“I think we both are.” Kyle continues. “Scared, that is. It’s just so unfair, you know? He’s still so young. There was so much more he was supposed to do. There was so much more we were supposed to do together. I… I’m not ready to lose him.”

A single tear falls and trickles down Kyle’s cheek, and he quickly wipes it away with the back of his sleeve. But it wasn’t the only tear, and soon enough Kyle found himself crying silently, his hands gripping the counter for support. He hadn’t really cried about it yet. So far he had been trying to keep his composure, be strong for Dan, but as a result he had a lot of pent up emotions and feelings that needed to come out. Ralph got up from his spot at the barstool and moved to stand next to Kyle, resting a hand on his back as a silent symbol of his support.

“It’s a cruel world.” Ralph sighs, rubbing up and down his back to comfort him.

“No kidding.” Kyle manages between sobs.

After a few minutes, the only sign that Kyle had been crying were the tear tracks left on his cheeks. Kyle returned to the stove, stirring the pot while Ralph helped him chop more vegetables into small pieces. They worked in comfortable silence until all the food was ready and the table was set. The only thing missing was Dan.

“He should be done now.” Kyle mutters, trying to ignore the bad feeling that was growing in his stomach.

“Maybe he got distracted with something.” Ralph offers.

“The shower is still on. It shouldn’t be on.” Kyle shakes his head, focusing on the haunting sound of the water still hitting the tile of the shower. “I’m going to go check on him.”

Kyle walked out of the kitchen and headed down the hall to the bedroom. The door was shut but thankfully not locked, and he let himself in. The door to the bathroom, however, was in fact locked. Kyle knocked on the door, and waited for a response.

There was none.

He knocked again;

No response.

He knocked one last time and called Dan’s name, but he was answered by nothing except for the irregular sound of the water drops.

Kyle used strength he didn’t know he had to ram through the door with his shoulder, breaking the doorknob and letting himself in. His eyes scanned the room quickly and his heart dropped in his chest when he say Dan, crumpled in a pile on the floor, his limbs splayed.

His clothes were still on. He hadn’t even made it to the shower.

Kyle screamed to Ralph, who dialed for an ambulance, before collapsing onto the ground next to Dan. He pulled him into his arms, and his stomach felt sick with how easily he could manipulate the body. His fingers reached to his neck to check for a pulse.

It was faint.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was my sorry attempt at suspense ahhah


	5. the love of my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uhhhhh I hate this and how I wrote it so I apologize in advance  
> oh boy we are nearing the end

The lights of the hospital seemed to ring with how bright they were in the waiting room. The artificial light created an illusion of time standing still, especially when nothing but the ticking clock on the wall made it clear that time was passing at all. There were no windows, so Kyle and Ralph had no way of knowing whether it was dark outside or not.

They had been waiting for what simultaneously felt like hours or minutes, and at this point both had gotten enough time to think about it that they were truly terrified. As soon as the ambulance had arrived to the hospital the doctors had rushed Dan into an operating room, so they had no idea about what state he was in. The only thing they knew was that he was breathing.

Kyle blamed himself. He wished he had somehow  _ made _ Dan tell him if he was in pain, or if he felt any different. He wished he had found him sooner, because maybe he would have been in better shape. He wished he could have done something to help.

Ralph was just scared. Obviously he knew Dan was sick, but unlike Kyle he hadn’t experienced it first hand and didn’t really understand the extent of it.

Kyle was staring intently at a spot on the ground, unable to do anything except for just become hyper aware of the feeling of the hard plastic chair he was sitting on or the obnoxious ticking of the outdated wall clock.

Eventually, a nurse walked into the room with a clipboard. Ralph, Kyle, and the small handful of other people who were also waiting looked up, all with the same hopeful expression in their eyes.

“Family of Daniel Smith?” She asked, and Kyle felt himself feel both a wave of relief and a new source of fear and anticipation as he stood from his chair and walked over to meet her, followed closely by Ralph.

“And you are?” She asked, giving him a skeptical look.

“Kyle Simmons, his… his partner.” Kyle explained. Although there wasn’t much homophobia in the largely liberal state of New Jersey in 2019, he was still cautious when it came to strangers and telling them about his sexuality.

“Oh, and this is Ralph Pelleymounter, one of his best mates.” Kyle says, gesturing to the other man.

“Sorry, family only. Mr. Simmons, you can come with me but he will have to stay.” She explains with a false sympathetic smile.

“Wait, can he come, please? Dan doesn’t have any family. Ralph is basically his brother.” Kyle practically begs. Allowing Ralph to come wasn’t only for Dan, but also for himself. Kyle wasn’t sure if he could do this on his own, especially if it was bad news.

“Fine.” The nurse answers, after a brief moment of thought. She then turns on her heel and the two men follow her through a set of heavy double doors in a hallway lined with with patient rooms. “The surgeons had to do emergency surgery because they found that the cancer, which had originally only been lining the exterior of his stomach, has spread and is beginning to affect the ability of his vital organs to perform their essential functions. They were able to remove some of it to try to make him more comfortable, but there was too much for them to be able to make much of a difference.”

“Sorry, Miss, but what are you saying?” Kyle asked, desperate to know if Dan was okay.

She stops them when they are outside of a room with a close door, and turns to face the two men.

“He’s stable.” She finally says, and Kyle audibly sighs in relief. Ralph mutters a quiet  _ Thank God _ under his breath. “He’s asleep right now, but should wake up in the next couple of hours as the anesthesia wears off. The doctor will come talk to you about his options when he wakes up.”

She unlocks the door and leads them into the room.

Dan is lying on the hospital bed in the middle of the room, his already pale skin a ghostly shade of white that made his black hair contrast starkly. There was an IV in his arm and a varies wires connected to different part of his body, feeding information to be recorded on the machine to the right of his bed. It was a horrible sight, quite frankly.

Kyle quietly walked to the bedside and tentatively took one of Dan’s hands in his own. It was cold and limp. Kyle took a shuddering breath and didn’t even realize he was crying until Ralph was suddenly pushing him down into a chair and rubbing his back in an attempt to offer him some comfort.

At some point Ralph had left the room in search of tea for the two of them, leaving Kyle alone with Dan. He took a moment to look at his face, trying to see if he could somehow engrain the image of him in his brain, memorize every freckle and every imperfection that made him oh so perfect. He used his hand to gently brush away some of the strands that had fallen into his face, wishing that Dan would just open his eyes so he could look into their deep blue.

 

About an hour later, Dan did wake up. He opened his eyes and was first struck with a sense of panic when he didn’t recognize his surroundings. His vision was still foggy from lack of use, so it took him a minute to be able to focus, and when he did he began to dart his eyes frantically about the room, trying to find something familiar. His head was layed down, and he felt far too heavy and stiff to move, so all he could see was the ceiling of the hospital room.

“Dan? Oh-- you’re awake. Dan?” A familiar voice broke the painful silence, and Dan grasped onto the sound like a lifeline. “Can you hear me? Daniel?”

Dan blinked vigorously, willing his head to move so he could see the source of the voice. Kyle’s face eventually appeared in his field of vision, and he looked at the same time both so scared and relieved. Dan wanted so badly to tell him he’s okay, and that everything is going to be okay, but his voice betrayed him and the only sounds that came out were quiet gasps of breath.

“Hey, relax, you’re okay. Everything is going to be okay.” Kyle said, using one of his hands to gently take one of Dan’s in his own. “The doctors are coming, and they will help us. Just try and breath, yeah? Deep breaths.”

Dan tried to focus on Kyle’s words and tried to focus on his breathing as his fingers were enveloped in his warm hand. Eventually he calmed down, and his heart stopped racing in his chest. He took a final, depp, shuddering breath before speaking.

“Kyle, what- what happened?” Dan asked, his voice hoarse and quiet. He played with Kyle fingers, avoiding eye contact slightly.

“I don’t really know. When I found you… it looked like you had collapsed in the bathroom. They did an emergency surgery… the nurse said the cancer has spread and was starting to affect your vital organs.” Kyle explained, trying his best not to sound too worried. He reminded himself that he had to be strong, put on a brave face for Dan.

“Fucking cancer.” Dan muttered, straightening himself up.

There were a couple beats of silence between the two of them.

“I’m cold.” Dan eventually said, and Kyle’s eyes lit up because that was something he could fix.

“Here, take my hoodie.” Kyle practically ordered, already tugging off the sleeves and pulling it over his head. He handed it to Dan, who smiled appreciatively, but then realized that because of all the wires connected to his body it would be impossible to put it on.

They make eye contact for thirty seconds before they both burst out laughing. Dan is laughing at his helplessness, and Kyle is laughing at Dan’s ability to laugh even in the most depressing of situations. It was then that Kyle realized just how much he missed laughing with Dan, smiling with Dan, and basically just being happy and carefree with Dan.

Even though he can’t wear it, Dan clutches onto the hoodie like a lifeline, it’s homey, the familiar smell comforting in the almost  _ too _ sterile room.

Eventually their hysterical laughter dies off and the doctor comes back into the room, a somber expression on his face.

“This can’t be good news.” Dan whispers, and Kyle looks at him sadly.

“I wish I could say it was, but no, you’re right. It’s not looking great.” The doctor starts, taking some scans out of the folder he was carrying. “As we told Kyle earlier, we performed surgery when you arrived here, only to find what is possibly the worst case scenario.”

The doctor went on to explain how the cancer had spread to his kidneys, his liver, his stomach, his intestines, and was moving dangerously close to his heart and lungs. The entire time Dan felt oddly detached, almost as though this couldn’t  _ actually _ be happening to  _ them _ . This was the sort of thing that happened to other people.

“So now we get to your options. You can try chemo to extend your time by a few months, but it honestly won’t be very effective and you still will only have maybe four months tops. If not, you can just stop fighting. We removed enough of the tumors to make you as comfortable as possible and along with painkillers you won’t feel too much.”

“If we don’t do chemo, how long does he have?” Kyle asks, not bothering to mask the fear in his voice. Dan looks up at him and notices the tears that have begun to fill his eyes and feels just a bit guilty. He knows he shouldn't feel guilty, because it really isn’t his fault, but he still wishes there was something- anything- he could do to lessen Kyle’s pain.

“Maybe a three weeks.” The doctor replies.

“Three weeks?” Kyle’s disbelief is clear in his tone. Dan just remains silent, processing it. Three weeks.  _ Three weeks _ . Even with all the money, all the resources in the world, he couldn’t fit everything he ever wanted to do in only three weeks. Three weeks was nothing.

“The choice is yours, but I really want to make it clear that if you go with the chemo, those last months will be miserable. If you don’t do chemo, you won’t have as much time, but you will feel relatively comfortable until you reach the last few days. You could spend some time at home, organize your affairs.” The doctor pauses for a minute. “I don’t usually like to give my opinion to patients, instead I prefer to let them make their own decisions, but for your particular case I wouldn’t go with the chemo. It’s not going to work, and you won’t be able to do anything with that extra time.”

“Can we have a moment alone, please?” Dan asks quietly, his voice still rough but this time from his silent tears. The doctor nods and steps out of the room, closing it behind him.

A tense silence hangs in the air between them. Neither of them know what to say.

“I’m so tired, Kyle.” Dan eventually says, squeezing his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to stop the tears.

A warm hand against his cheek forces him to open them, and he looks up to meet Kyle’s gaze.

“The choice is yours. I’ll support whatever you decide. I promise I won’t go anywhere.” Kyle’s hand moves into his hair and starts to card through it in reassurance. Dan closes his eyes and focuses on the touch. That’s when Dan realizes that it isn’t  _ being alive _ that’s important, it’s living his life to the fullest, as cheesy and cliche as it sounded. He didn’t want to live for longer if it was going to be spent in a hospital, pumped full of nasty drugs, leaning over the toilet puking his heart out.

“I don’t want to do chemo.” Dan eventually says, breaking the silence.

“Okay. Let’s go home then.” Kyle agrees, a small, sad smile forming onto his face.

 

Much to his own surprise, Dan found himself feeling awfully indifferent about it all. They were nothing like what he had expected them to feel like, his final days. He expected for the time to go by at an excruciatingly slow pace, with every moment being filled with tears and spent feeling empty or hollow. He expected to feel both mentally but also physically exhausted and sick and unwilling to do so much as get out of bed. He expected Kyle to be pitiful and emotional, and he expected Ralph to do the same.

But it was nothing like that.

It was as though there was an unspoken agreement between the three of them that even though they were all feeling completely heartbroken and depressed about the whole situation, instead of wallowing in it, they would put on their best smiles and try to make the best of it.

So that’s what they did.

To keep his promise, Kyle and Dan revisited the conversation they had a while back about creating a bucket list and doing what they could to complete some of it. There wasn’t enough time to do many of the things on Dan’s list of ‘things I want to do before I die’, but there were a few items they could check off. They were able to score last minute tickets to the symphony in the city, which was absolutely phenomenal. In fact, they made an entire evening out of it, complete with a nice dinner at a five star restaurant and a night time walk through the beautiful central park afterwards.

But it wasn’t just the big romantic gestures that made the last days special, but also the smaller more subtle moments, the ones that seemed to matter the most. The wonderful simplicities that ranged from waking up in Kyle’s warm embrace every day completed with chaste kisses and smelly morning breath, to listening to Ralph explain his ideas for new songs with so much passion and excitement, or to watching an old film on the couch, the three of them, silently enjoying each others company.

It was those small moments, the small but constant reminders that even though he was fading away, there were people who loved him, cherished him, and would be with him to the end. It was those moments who served as the true reminders of why he was so happy to be alive, and so sad to have to go.

It only became difficult in the moments where Dan would realize that even though he was dying, and he was leaving this world, life still went on. Everytime he picked up a newspaper with an even on a date he wouldn’t be around to see or every time he heard Kyle and Ralph talk about the things they had to do and people they had to meet, Dan was reminded that the world wasn’t going to stop spinning, and that Kyle was going to live on.

Without him.

 

This morning was a little different from the rest. Like usual, Dan woke up with the sun, who was lazily trickling through the blinds casting shadows on the floor. He pulled at the blanket, trying to cover his bare legs. It was chilly in the room but the sun was strong, already warming up the room as the light came in.

Much to his surprise, Kyle was still asleep, his arm draped almost protectively across Dan’s chest, his nose wrinkling up occasionally when a stray hair from his mustache tickled him. Dan looked at him adoringly, gently reaching up to move some of the stray strands of hair off his forehead, watching as they just flopped back into place. 

Dan sat up further on the bed, adjusting the pillows so that he could rest his back comfortably against the headboard. After making sure that Kyle’s arm wasn’t in the way, he then grabbed his laptop (and his glasses) off his nightstand, resting it on his lap and opening it to his email.

One of the other things he had made a point of doing over the past few days was telling all of his friends, all the people he hadn’t told yet, about the cancer. He called or sent personal emails to the ones he was closer to, such as his old friend Sophie from university, and for the others whom he didn’t know as well he made posts on the Facebook and Instagram accounts he had but rarely used, making more impersonal, almost underwhelming announcements. Reading the responses made him sad, and in some cases upset, especially upon seeing the  _ sad _ and apologetic comments from people who had never treated him well or barely knew him at all, such as old foster parents who didn’t abuse him but were still neglectful or other students who just seemed to pretend he didn’t exist. He was just the weird, quiet kid, after all. But amidst the responses that left him feeling uncomfortable or even planely annoyed, there were those that made him teary or made him smile, such as the sweet notes from the few people he did talk to in his time at school or the sad apologies from his colleagues, who were absolutely devastated to see him go.

After a moment it became too much, and he quietly shut the computer with a sigh and placed back on the small table, turning his attention back to Kyle and back to the present. It was about nine, and he felt it was now appropriate to wake him up. He slowly moved one of his hands into Kyle’s hair, gently running his fingers through it and using his finger nails to scratch at his scalp. Although he rarely got to experience it because he was usually the second to get up in the mornings, watching Kyle wake up was one of Dan’s favorite things, from the quiet groans as he stretched out his unused muscles to the slight flutter of his eyelashes as they opened for the first time, revealing his warm amber eyes.

Dan always thought it was funny how he loved Kyle’s eyes because they were so brown and so warm, while Kyle loved Dan’s eyes because they were so blue and so  _ electric. _

Kyle smiled up to him from his spot on the bed, and Dan smiled back, not stopping his fingers who were still tangled in Kyle’s short hair. Kyle eventually shifted so that he was also sitting up against the headboard and found Dan’s hand, holding it tightly.

“There’s something I want to talk to you about.” Kyle eventually said, his voice- still rough from sleep- breaking the comfortable silence. He looked a bit nervous, and Dan furrowed his brow in confusion and concern.

“Everything okay?” Dan asks, giving his hand a slight squeeze.

“Yeah, everything is fine… It’s not a bad thing, not really, it’s just complicated.” Kyle mumbles, avoiding Dan’s gaze and looking down at his lap instead.

“I’m sure I can handle it, whatever it is.” Dan chuckles, trying desperately to sound reassuring and confident behind his own nerves.

There’s a beat of silence between the two, and Dan let’s him have it to collect his thoughts.

“I really love you, you know that?” Kyle starts, finally glancing back up again, briefly making eye contact. “Like, really, properly, love you.”

“I love you too, Kyle.” Dan replied, but he was still confused as to where Kyle was going with this.

“Would you… will you marry me?”

  
  


Dan wasn’t entirely sure how he ended up alone in the pub at ten in the morning that Thursday morning, but there he was, earning himself concerned stares from the bartender and the few patrons who were also there. He was still in his pajamas, his pants thin and unprotecting from the January chill, so he sat quietly cursing himself for not having at the very least grabbed a coat.

The last thing he remembered he was in his warm bed, sitting next to Kyle, hand in hand. But then Kyle had asked him a question. And the next thing he knew he was out the door, running like his life depended on it down the snow covered street.

Somehow, he ended up here.

He didn’t have a drink in front of him, and even though he craved the numbing effect that a glass of something would give him, the dull pain in his stomach was stronger, and quelled him of any desire to drink. He tapped his fingers anxiously against the counter of the bar, his mind racing- simultaneously thinking about  _ everything _ but also  _ nothing at all _ .

Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to focus.

Kyle had asked him to marry him.

First of all; what did that mean? Why would he ask that, especially at a time like this? Was it a sort of… cruel joke? Or… or did he really mean it?

Dan considered the possibility, that it was an honest proposal, but it didn’t make any sense. There was no benefit in it for Kyle, no good reason for him to do it. Why would Kyle ask for his hand when he only had a week or so left? Did he pity Dan? Or simply take it far too seriously when Dan had told him that he wished he could have gotten married  _ before _ dying? Because this was not what Dan had meant, this was not what he had intended to happen.

Secondly; how did Dan feel about it? Obviously he was surprised, and scared. He knew that much. But beyond the initial shock, Dan didn’t really know how he felt about it. Throughout their whole relationship thus far, Dan had been so caught up in the disbelief at  _ loving  _ Kyle and  _ Kyle loving him _ that he didn’t even think much further than the present, and just being thankful for what he had. He had never even considered the possibility of marrying Kyle, even though he always knew that Kyle was  _ the love of his life _ and that he always wanted to get married at some point. He had just never put the two together before.

So now he sat alone at a bar, wondering how he could have been so stupid.

The door opens, with it carrying another gust of cold air throughout the small space, sending a shiver down Dan’s spine. He hugs his arms tighter around himself and almost falls out of his seat in surprise when a warm hand lands on his shoulder, gripping it slightly.

“Dan, you alright, mate?”

Dan turns in his seat to face Ralph, who is looking down at him with concern and a bit of relief upon finding him.

“Dan? What happened?” Ralph presses, and Dan sighs, shaking his head slowly.

“He asked me to marry him.” Dan replies, voice so quiet that Ralph almost misses it.

“He… he  _ what? _ ” 

“He asked me to marry him. And the problem is I have no fucking clue what  _ he’s _ thinking, but I also have no fucking clue as to what  _ I _ think about it. Why would he do that? Ask me to marry him. I’m fucking dying. And do I want that? Do I want to marry him? I love him, don’t get me wrong, but do I  _ love  _ him? Do I want to  _ marry _ him? And does he really want to marry  _ me _ ? Or is it just the idea of me, that he’s in love with? He doesn’t really know me, not really-”

“Dan.”

“Why now? Why does he suddenly want to marry me  _ now _ ? Or has he always wanted to. No, that’s impossible. We’ve only been together-”

“Dan!” Ralph exclaims, interrupting Dan’s rambling and forcing him to shut up and meet his eyes. “Look, Dan, I can’t answer those questions for you. You really need to talk to Kyle about this”

“God, he probably hates me. I just ran out of their, right after he  _ proposed _ ! What kind of person does that?” Dan groans.

“Mate, that man  _ loves _ you. When you ran out of there he came to me, asking for help finding you. He wasn’t mad, he wasn’t upset, he was  _ worried _ . The two of you just need to talk and sort this out, the sooner the better.”

 

As they walked back into the apartment, Dan felt a deep sense of dread forming in the pit of his stomach. He was so scared of what Kyle was going to say, and it brought him right back to the day where he first told him about his diagnosis. As he kicked off the slippers he had the decency of putting on before running out the door, he could hear the electric kettle whistling, and followed the familiar sound into the kitchen. There, Kyle stood at the counter, sorting three mugs and preparing toast. Dan’s heart swelled with affection, and he watched with slight tears in his eyes as Kyle looked up at him, a wave of relief washing over his face. Without saying anything, Kyle crossed the kitchen and wrapped his arms around him in a bone crushing hug, almost as if he was scared that if he let go he would disappear.

“You scared the shit out of me, you know that?” Kyle whispered into his ear, his beard tickling the skin there, but Dan couldn’t find it in him to move away. “Don’t ever do that again, please.”

“I won’t. I’m sorry.” Dan whispered back, standing stiffly in their awkward embrace. Eventually, though, he relaxed into it, allowing himself to lean against Kyle and melt into the touch.

At some point they do seperate, and they find themselves eating breakfast together on the sofa, Dan curled up against Kyle’s side, trying to steal the warmth radiating from his body. Ralph had left the apartment with some vague excuse about needing to go to the pharmacy but really just with the intention of giving the couple some alone time to discuss what they needed to discuss.

“You don’t have to marry me if you don’t want to.” Kyle eventually says, deciding their was no easy way to say it.

“It’s not that I don’t  _ want _ to, Kyle. It’s that I  _ can’t _ . It would break my heart.” Dan mumbles. “If I could make things different, I would, believe me.”

“I know, I’m sorry. It was unfair of me to just spring that on you like that.” Kyle apologizes, looking a bit guilty.

“No, it’s alright. You had good intentions.” Dan chuckles sadly, shifting on the sofa in an attempt to somehow get even closer to Kyle.

He turns to face Kyle, and pokes a finger in his chest, grinning widely.

“Under different circumstances, well, I would of married you in an instant.” He says, smiling big but his eyes filled to the brim with sincerity.

Kyle smiles at him and presses a soft kiss against his temple, but Dan doesn’t miss the glimmer of the tears in his eyes. He gently holds Kyle’s face in his hands and forces him to look at him before pressing a longer kiss on his lips.

“I’ll wait for you, you know?” Dan whispers quietly, a sad smile forming on his face.

“What?” Kyle tilts his head in confusion.

“On the other side. I’ll wait for you.”

  
  



	6. a place for the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi I hate how I ended this but any more seemed excessive  
> TW// major character death  
> next chapter is an epilogue and then we are doneeee

Soon enough things started going downhill at an alarming rate. The doctor said it would be like this, that he would be completely fine until all of a sudden, he’s not. Dan’s stomach pains got so bad he couldn’t even drink a cup of tea without feeling sick, and he couldn’t find the strength, let alone the motivation, to do so much as get out of bed. It was a horrible sight, seeing him even paler and thinner than usual, so much so he looked nearly skeletal. He started running a fever and it was clear that his body was fighting the best it could, but it was an uphill battle.

Kyle was dealing the best he could, trying to keep his mind off of what the sudden drop in his health really meant by running back and forth from the kitchen, bringing Dan whatever he could possibly need: painkillers, a glass of water, or maybe another blanket.

Just as Kyle was making another run to the kitchen, this time for a towel to clean up a pile of vomit that ended up on the hardwood floor, Ralph stops him by grabbing his shoulder, forcing Kyle to look up and make eye contact.

“Kyle, mate, I think that maybe we should bring him to the hospital.” Ralph suggests, his voice low and soft.

Kyle doesn’t respond. He knows Ralph is right, but Kyle isn’t ready. He isn’t ready to bring Dan in, for them to pump his frail body full of drugs that wouldn’t fix him but only mask his symptoms. He isn’t ready for his worst nightmare to be real.

He isn’t ready for Dan to die.

“Come on, let’s just get him into the car.” Ralph says, bringing Kyle out of his thoughts. “We should go before it gets so bad we need an ambulance.”

“Okay. I’ll go get him.” Kyle replies, nodding mostly to himself, trying to make himself believe that he is okay, that all of this is okay.

But it’s not.

What part of this was okay?

Dan wasn’t the only one who was losing the love of his life. In fact, Kyle really couldn’t see his life spent with anyone else.

When he met Dan he fell in love, and he fell hard and fast.

From the beginning, Kyle knew this relationship was different from the others he was in. He didn’t know exactly why it was different at first. Sure, he found Dan attractive, funny, and kind, all characteristics that he generally looked for in people, but there was something more. There was something about Dan made him want to protect him from all of the evil in the world, hide him from all of the bad, and show him all of the good. Something about Dan made him want to work harder, and be better.

Something about Dan made Kyle want to serve him his heart on a platter to do whatever he wanted with it, even if it would kill him.

But it wasn’t Kyle who was going to die.

No.

It had to be Dan.

Dan, the most kind hearted, sweet, generous, humble,  _ wholesome _ person Kyle had ever had the pleasure of meeting, and the luck to call his own.

_ Why do bad things happen to good people _ .

The age old question.

Kyle walks to their bedroom where Dan was currently resting, and he opens the door to see him curled up in the piles of blankets, somehow still shivering. He doesn’t even lift his head as Kyle walks in, and it breaks Kyle’s heart a little more to see him in so exhausted and in so much pain.

“Danny?” Kyle whispers, using the pet name he only used very rarely. “Ralph and I think we should bring you to the hospital, yeah?”

Dan finally shifts in the bed, slowly opening his tired eyes to look up at Kyle. His blue irises, usually so bright and filled with wonder, look almost unfamiliar with how dull and empty they are.

Kyle swallows the lump that has been forming in his throat and slowly starts peeling the blankets off of the bed, one by one until he gets to Dan’s body, which is covered by a pair of sweatpants and one of Kyle’s hoodies.

He slips one arm under his knees and the other around his shoulders, picking him up off the bed. He tries to ignore how easy it is to lift him, just how frighteningly light his body is, and instead just focuses on not to dropping him as he carries him out and into the living room, where Ralph is waiting for them, car keys in hand.

Wordlessly they leave the flat, locking the door behind them.

In the car, Kyle sits in the back with Dan, letting Ralph drive. He sits with Dan’s head in his lap, gently stroking the sweaty black hair out of his face, his touch feather light, as though he was made of glass. It’s difficult not to cry, but he focuses on trying to maintain his composure as Dan takes in shaky breaths, sounding sicker and sicker by the minute.

The drive to the hospital is short, and when they get there they park the car in the mostly empty lot. Kyle offers to carry him again, but Dan insists that he’s strong enough, and with Ralph and Kyle supporting him on each side, he’s able to walk in on his own two feet. The three of them check in, and follow a nurse with white shoes that squeak painfully loudly against the clean tile floor to one of the patient rooms. It’s a terrible place, a single bed with nothing but a thin grey sheet draped over it and a small attached bathroom.

Kyle couldn’t even imagine dying, let alone in a place so cold and so empty.

They helped Dan into the bed, and the nurse expertly hooked him up to the machine, which when she turned on began beeping at a slow but nonetheless regular rhythm. She also hooked him up to an IV drip to keep him hydrated.

_ At least he wouldn’t be dehydrated, right? _ Kyle thought to himself sarcastically.

“The doctor will be in to speak with you soon.” The nurse says softly, eyes filled with pity. They all mumble their thank yous as she disappears down the hall.

“Kyle…” Dan calls weakly, and immediately Kyle is at his bedside. “Can you…”

Dan leaves the sentence unfinished, instead just shifts slightly on the bed, clearing a spot for the other man.

Kyle sits on the bed, and after being sure that he is clear of any wires, he lays down next to Dan, and wraps an arm around him, drawing him close. His body is colder and smaller than it used to be, his skin gleaming with sweat and shivering slightly.

“Kyle…” Dan starts again.

“Hmm.”

“I want you to be happy.”

Kyle inhales shakily, and Dan sighs, using whatever energy he has left to pull away slightly and turn to face him. Kyle doesn’t miss the way his deep, blue eyes are rimmed red from tears and the stark contrast of his dark hair against his almost ghostly white skin. 

“I know you’ll have to grieve, and you should, but I don’t want this to ruin your life. Go live it, without me.” Dan continues, his eyes dripping with so much sincerity and love that Kyle is only reminded of how unfaire all of this is.

“I’ll try.” Kyle eventually says, his voice trembling terribly but nonetheless a response, and Dan visibly relaxes, even if it’s just a little.

Dan shifts back down and lies back against him. It was almost as though he was trying to steal his warmth through the proximity, and Kyle was happy to give it to him. Because regardless of what Dan said, Kyle knew that it would be nearly impossible for him to find happiness without him. Dan was his happiness, Dan made him happy, and all Kyle ever wanted to do in life was to make Dan happy.

Dan once again starts shivering against him so Kyle uses his hands to rub up and down against his body, a futile attempt at warming him up.

“I’m so tired.” Dan mumbles sleepily, snuggling up against his side and resting his head against his chest. Kyle just pulls him closer and kisses the top of his head.

Kyle can’t bring himself to say anything, he knows it’s the end. He tries to lull Dan into what he hopes will be a peaceful sleep by gently carding his fingers through his black hair.

 

The doctor came in at some point. They offered to put him on a ventilator to help him breathe or to use other machines to prolong his life slightly but Kyle denied. 

Instead, Kyle signed a DNR- do not resuscitate.

He looked so peaceful right now, sleeping against his chest. It wasn’t worth bringing him back just to lose him again. 

Ralph left soon after. He had said his goodbyes, and Kyle didn’t blame him for leaving.

Part of him, a terribly selfish part of him, wanted to leave, too.

He wished he could say he wanted to be there to the very end, but it was far more difficult then he imagined. He felt so incredibly helpless, even though he knew that it was inevitable. The way the time between each breath, each heartbeat, became longer and longer, so slow an agonizing, until it flatlined.

And Dan’s heart… stopped, as he lay in his arms.

Kyle wasn’t sure if he cried. He couldn’t remember much about it. He remembered the tight clenching feeling in his chest, the inexplicable urge to  _ run _ or to just  _ wake up _ from the terrible nightmare that had become his life. He remembered being suddenly hyper-aware of gravity, the stiff heaviness of his limbs, preventing him from doing so much as shift as Dan’s lifeless body rested on his side. He remembered the need to throw up when he realised for the millionth time that this was  _ real _ and that Dan was  _ dead _ .

  
  


“For those of you who didn’t know, Dan and I were… well we were more than friends. We kept our relationship, not really a secret, but  _ hidden _ , private, for the most part. And I guess my biggest regret was not being more… open… about it. I wish I had taken him on more dates or… or even just had the guts to hold his hand when we went on a walk. I wish I had had the courage to have shown our love to the world.

“It sounds terribly cheesy but I didn’t really know the meaning of love until I met Dan. I had relationships before, but Dan was truly special and I still can’t quite believe that I was lucky enough to meet, let alone  _ be  _ with, a man like him.” Kyle says into the microphone as he looks up across the church at the pews that were filled with all the people who had attended the funeral.

Dan’s funeral.

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised by the sheer amount of people who had come. It was full of students of Dan’s, current and past, and his colleagues. Even the nice lady from the farmer’s market he went to ever Sunday was there.

Dan was so dearly loved.

“I guess I just wish we’d had more time, that’s all. He was so young, and there was so much more he- we- wanted to do. I just wish we could have done them.” He paused briefly, sniffling and silently willing himself not to cry. “Anyhow. Dan wouldn’t have liked it if I gave some sort of awfully long depressing speech so I won’t. Thank you to all of you for coming.”

Kyle steps down from the podium and heads back to the front row of pews, the seats usually reserved for family. He takes his place next to Ralph, who reaches over and gives his shoulder a small squeeze.

 

After the funeral, Kyle was supposed to meet with Ralph and some of Dan’s old friends at a local coffee shop to share stories, and do whatever you’re supposed to do after a funeral. But as Kyle sat in his car, he couldn’t bring himself to turn on the engine, let alone drive to the destination. It was as though time was frozen still. He was empty, had no purpose, had no motivation to keep on going. Because Dan was his motivation. Dan kept him going. Dan was the reason he went home every night and the reason he got up every morning.

But now, Dan was gone.

Kyle didn’t realize just how much it would hurt until there he was, sobbing in his car, pulled over on the side of the road. His heart felt as though it was being crushed and the tightness in his lungs was making it difficult to breathe. But he let himself cry. He let himself cry because he needed to, because he hadn’t cried yet, and because there was nothing that he could do that would stop the tears anyway. He was absolutely  _ heartbroken. _

A knock on his car window, however, interrupted his sobbing. He looked through the glass to see no other than Ralph, eyeing him wearily with an expression of concern on his face. He opens the door to the passenger seat and sits down, holding a bag on his lap.

“How are you holding up?” Ralph asks gently.

Kyle scoffs and shakes his head.

“How the fuck does it look like I’m holding up?”

“Okay. I guess you skipped shock and denial and went straight to anger, didn’t you?” Ralph retorts.

“What the fuck do you want, Ralph?” Kyle asks him, the exhaustion from barely sleeping or eating, basically just not taking care of himself, clear through his voice.

“Dan wanted me to give this to you.” Ralph answers, his voice suddenly softer than before. Kyle finally turns his head to face him, his face a mix of confusion and interest.

“What is it?”

“Well,” Ralph opens the back and pulls out a laptop, which he recognizes immediately as Dan’s, and opens it up. He types in the password and types something into the keyboard before passing it over to Kyle. “He gave me the password, and told me that he left a folder full of files he wants you to have. I looked… or I guess listened… to them myself, because he told me they might be upsetting and I honestly wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. But I really think you should listen to them.”

“What are they?” Kyle questions as he looks at the pages full of files, each of them labeled with an odd name.  _ Daniel in the Den, The Draw, Flaws, Bad Blood, Good Grief, Glory, Two Evils. _

“I think you should just listen to them.” Ralph sighs, handing Kyle a pair of headphones.

Kyle takes them and slips them on, plugging the cord into the laptop. He then clicks on one of the files, he chooses the one labeled  _ bad_news _ because it catches his eye, and hits play.

A melody begins to play and for a split second he wants to laugh, because it seemed as though Dan had decided to leave him some music recommendations as some cruel, twisted, parting gift, but then the singer starts and he freezes.

Because Kye would recognize that voice anywhere.

That voice belonged to Dan.

He’s only a few seconds into the first of dozens of tracks but he rips off the headphones and shuts the computer, turning to face Ralph.

“He made  _ music? _ ” Kyle asks him, whispering in a weak attempt to keep his tears at bay.

Ralph just nods, avoiding Kyle’s accusatory look.

“And you knew about this?”

Ralph nods again.

“And you didn’t bother telling me?”

“He didn’t want me to. He was embarrassed.” Ralph explains weakly.

“Embarrassed? Of what?”

“I don’t know. When he met you he was scared because you were some big fancy producer. You know how he is, he worries about that sort of thing.”

“He thought I would judge him?”

“This is Dan we are talking about! He thinks everyone is judging him, constantly!”

“But I loved him! I wouldn’t do that!”

“Kyle, do you really want to argue about this? I can’t speak for him.” Ralph sighs, putting his face in his hands. “And, just for the record, you aren’t the only one who lost him, so get over yourself, will you?”

Kyle falls into a guilty silence. He knows he’s being unfair, but he can’t help it. The world has been cruel and he’s angry, and wants to lash out on whatever falls nearest. Right now it just so happens to be Ralph.

“Sorry.” He mumbles, glancing over at Ralph.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” Ralph mutters.

They sit in heavy silence for a minute, both trying to calm themselves down.

“You know, you should listen to the rest of those when you get a chance. They’re quite good.” Ralph adds, a sad smile forming on his face.

  
  



	7. they remind me of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so heres the epilogue

After the funeral, Kyle moved back to London. The rain and grey sky of the city were an odd comfort, and a necessary change from the peppy chatter of tourists and hopeful dream chasing vibe of New York. He couldn’t handle living there after Dan passed. It was as though every street sign, every bar, ever cafe was a unwanted reminder of the life he was so close to having but fell right outside his reach. It was torture. He dealt with his grief the best he could, which wasn’t too well. For a while he tried seeing a therapist and ‘getting help’, but they always wanted to talk, and even months after it was still too difficult to confront his feelings, so instead he resorted to trying to somehow erase all traces of his past.

Except for one box.

He allowed himself one box.

This box lived in the back of Kyle’s closet, and it was filled with photographs, clothing, and mementos from his old life.

Most importantly, it was filled with everything  _ Daniel Smith. _

Today was the five year anniversary of Dan’s death. He couldn’t believe it had been that long. And as part of his funny sort of  _ tradition _ , Kyle let himself, once a year on the anniversary, open that box and look at his past.

The box was actually his keyboard case, but considering he didn’t have to lug that instrument back and forth from work anymore he decided to repurpose it.

The first thing he sees when he opens it is a sweater. Its an old pullover of his from before, a warm multicolored one that Dan got him for his birthday. He adored it, but it was too painful to wear it now. In fact, Kyle had decided to basically redo his entire wardrobe after Dan’s passing because a lot of the clothes were tied to dear memories of the two. The nice collared shirt he wore on their first date. The big yellow hoodie he always let Dan borrow when he would stay over. The silly cat print shirt Dan got him from a thrift shop.

Kyle wore less color now. It was as though the loud prints and bright colors were mocking him, showing him how happy and bright  _ he _ used to be, and just how dark and dull his life had gotten since then.

The next thing he pulled out was a mug. It was Dan’s favorite, a big blue one that nearly matched his eyes with it’s intense dark shade. He held it between his hands, the cold ceramic an odd sort of comfort, the faint smell of Dan’s favorite chai blend bringing him back to a time of shared mornings by the window with warm sunlight trickling through the blinds. He traced his finger down a shallow crack that was beginning to form at the rim and made a mental note to store it better so it wouldn’t shatter.

The next thing was a small box, one filled with all the pictures he decided to print and keep. With shaking hands, he went to take off the lid, but all of a sudden his phone started ringing in his pocket.

It was Will.

Will, the perfect man who for some stupid reason decided to fall in love with Kyle. Kyle, who was still quite frankly a little traumatized and very much guarded from losing Dan. Kyle, who even after knowing Will for nearly a year wouldn’t go out on dates or let him touch him. Kyle, who no matter how hard he tried to pretend that everything was fine, couldn’t quite move on and let go of the past.

He must of noticed that something was off about Kyle, off about the way he would randomly seem to fall off the face of the earth for days at certain times of the year, off about the way he would react to certain sounds, words, or names. But Will was patient, and he never asked Kyle  _ why _ or tried to get an explanation out of him. He just gave him his space when he asked for it or held him when he had a panic attack, tears streaming down his face for no explicable reason.

Usually, Kyle would have hung up on him or just ignored it, but deep down a small part of him wanted, no,  _ needed, _ help, some part of him wanted Will to ask him what was wrong and part of him wanted to tell him.

“Hello?” Kyle says softly into the device, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand in an attempt to stop the tears.

“Hey, babe, how are you?” 

_ Not particularly great. _

“I’m fine. What’s up?”

“Nothing, just wanted to see if you fancied a drink.”

“Not tonight, sorry.”

“Already have plans?”

_ Something like that _ .

“No, just not feeling great.”

“What’s wrong?”

_ Don’t even get me started _ .

“Nothing.” Kyle says out of habit.

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

_ Fuck you. _

“I’m just sick.”

“You don’t sound sick.”

_ What the fuck do you want from me? _

“Stomach ache.”

“Let me bring you some soup, Woody says it’s magical.”

_ No, God no, don’t come here. _

“I’m sure it is, but I’ll pass.”

“You don’t want my soup?”

Kyle could practically hear him pouting.

“Stop being difficult.”

Silence.

Kyle knew he should apologize, because it was really him that was being difficult, but he was too tired and too angry to even care.

“Kyle?”

“What?”

“Feel better soon, yeah?” It sounded so  _ sincere _ and honest, and it broke Kyle’s heart.

_ Of course he cares, why wouldn’t he care? _

“Thank you. Bye.”

“Goodbye.”

Groaning in frustration, Kyle hung up and tossed the phone to the side. He glanced at the box of photographs, but left it unopened, not being sure if he could handle looking at them right now.

At the bottom of the keyboard case were the few items of Dan’s that he had decided to keep. The laptop with all of the songs was there, along with his favorite books, films, CDs, and even some of his clothes. 

He spots one hoodie, a soft grey one that Dan simply  _ adored _ and picks it up, feeling the old fabric between his fingers. He lifts it to his face and closes his eyes, inhaling and taking in the very faint yet still present smell of  _ him _ . It’s both comforting and heartbreaking, and made him feel a sickening feeling in his stomach that made him feel a little less of a liar.

But then someone knocks on his door.

He chooses to ignore it.

But then they knock again.

“Who is it?” Kyle yells as loudly as he can, feeling growlingly irritated as the tears begin to sting his eyes.

“It’s Will!” A voice yells back, and Kyle sighs, standing up on shaky legs and walking to the door of his flat, but not opening it.

“I told you not to come.” He says, loud enough so that Will would hear it.

“I’m not really one for following the rules.” Will replies and Kyle can practically hear the grin on his face.

“I really want to see you.” Will continues, and Kyle squeezes his eyes shut, trying to think of a good excuse to not let the other man in.

But he can’t.

So with a shaking hand he opens the door, and lets Will into the flat.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Will asks as he walks through the doorway, his hands full holding a large container full of chicken noodle soup, Kyle’s favorite. “I was getting worried when--”

He pauses when he looks up to see Kyle, standing there with his cheeks tear stained and his posture rigid, and his brow furrows in concern.

“Are you-- have you been crying?” Will asks, setting the soup down on the small table by the door. He reaches to take one of Kyle’s hands but Kyle pulls it away before he can get it.

“No.” Kyle lies blatantly.

“So there’s tears on your cheeks for some other reason, then?”

Silence.

“Kyle, what happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Kyle.”

Silence.

“Just… it’s complicated.” Kyle whispers, averting his eyes and busying his hands by tugging down at his knit jumper.

“Could you…  _ try _ to explain?” Will asks, clearly wanting to understand.

“I… uh… sure.” Kyle says softly, anxiously running a hand through his hair. “Just… follow me.”

Kyle leads him down the hall and into his bedroom, where the usually tidy floor is now covered in the contents that were always carefully stashed away in the keyboard case.

Kyle slowly takes a seat on the edge of his bed, watching as Will walks into the room and takes in the scene. Silently, the older man wanders through the room. Curiously picking up the mug, the sweatshirt, and finally picking up the small box cardboard and turning it over, reading the label  _ Dan _ that Kyle had scribbled messily in black sharpie all those years ago when he first put it together.

“What’s all this?” Will asks, but Kyle can’t bring himself to answer.

He watches as Will picks up the laptop, opening it and reading the name on the login.

“Who’s Daniel Smith?” Will asks again.

Kyle squeezes his eyes shut and tries to focus on breathing evenly. His mind is spinning with thoughts and memories that he wished he could just forget. His stupidly blue eyes, the way the skin near them would crinkle when he smiled. The way his whole body would fold upon itself when he laughed.

How helpless he looked on his last day.

Obviously he didn’t want to forget about Dan entirely, he just wished that remembering didn’t have to hurt so much.

Just as it starts to become too much and he begins to feel completely overwhelmed- a warm hand rests on his, and he opens his eyes, glancing down to see Will crouching down on the floor in front of him. He doesn’t look mad or angry, just confused and concerned.

Kyle takes a deep breath.

“You know h-how I used to live in the states?” Kyle starts, stuttering a bit through his sniffles.

Will nods, gently encouraging him to keep going.

“I had a boyfriend back then.” Kyle hates the word boyfriend. It didn’t feel like enough to describe just what Dan had meant to him, but he couldn’t find a better, more suitable, word that could describe their relationship.

“Dan?”

“Yeah.” Kyle nods. “He was wonderful. H-he was kind, and gorgeous, and f-funny. And r-really smart. B-but he got sick, really sick, and… he died.”

“Oh my God, Kyle, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s been five years now. F-five years today” Kyle pauses, pulling his hand away from Will’s. “I l-loved him. We… we were supposed to get married. He w-was the one, Will. I…”

“Shh, Kyle, it’s okay. I understand.”

“No, this is so unfair to you, you don’t deserve this.”

“And you didn’t deserve losing him.”

“You are supposed to be my everything and I am still a bloody mess over him.”

“You lost someone you loved, Kyle. That couldn’t have been easy.” Will pauses, slowly standing up and taking a seat next to Kyle on the bed. “And anyway, if he still has a place in your heart, that’s fine, because I don’t mind sharing.”

Kyle shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Look, Kyle, I don’t know much but I think talking about it, talking about  _ him _ , would help.” Will continues. “Is there anyone you can talk about him to? A therapist, or a friend?”

“He… an old mate of his, Ralph, and I talk sometimes.”

It’s not entirely a lie. Ralph checks up on him sometimes, Kyle lies and says that he’s fine, and then they don’t talk for another few months. It’s just too difficult to talk about.

“Why don’t you… why don’t you tell me about him?”

Kyle inhales deeply and stands up off the bed, walking to the pile of memories on the floor. He slowly folds the clothes and puts them back in the keyboard case, along with the laptop, the CDs, the books, the movies. Will watches him in silence, letting him take his time to pack everything away.

Except he doesn’t put  _ everything _ away.

He takes the box of photographs and carries it back to the bed, where he slowly, carefully, sits back down next to Will.

“He was a teacher.” He starts, his voice rough and a bit shaky. Will takes his hand and gently guides him so that they are both leaning against the headboard. “He taught English. He really loved to read.”

Kyle opens the box and grabs the first picture. 

“This was taken the day we met.”

It was taken at the bar of their favorite pub back in the city, Kyle’s arm slung loosely over Dan’s shoulder. They were both grinning widely, their cheeks flushed from the alcohol they had been drinking. Dan’s dark hair was even messier back then and stuck up in all directions, seemingly defying gravity. Even in the terrible lighting, his eyes were an electric shade of blue, popping out brightly against the dull background.

“He was really shy… painfully humble…” Kyle continues, holding the photograph between his fingers, staring at it hard as though it might somehow come to life. “But he also loved a good party.”

“He sounds lovely.” Will says softly, cautiously putting an arm around Kyle’s shoulders and bringing him close. Kyle lets himself get pulled into Will’s side. It feels oddly… right. He knows that Dan would have wanted him to move on, to meet new people and settle down, but a part of him still resisted. He almost felt as though he shouldn’t be allowed to be happy, no matter how wrong that was. But right now, as Will held him close and he listened to his heartbeat, Kyle felt safer and more at peace than he had in a very long time.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first work I've ever finished and actually been decently happy about so thats new, hope you all liked it. I look forward to writing more when I have an idea haha

**Author's Note:**

> The tags are incomplete because I don't want any spoilers.


End file.
